Nekromantik 2
When I was in jail, I had one of those ideas of which we mortals are afforded only once in a lifetime. A friend and I were watching To Catch a Predator, and he made a joke by translating the gimmick of the show into another paraphilia; I can’t remember which, probably bestiality. A thunderbolt went off in my head, and the best idea I ever had was born.
“No, no, no. What would really be funny, is if there was like this dude that had a wife die, right? Then some necrophile up and steals her straight out of the cemetery. Well, it takes a while, but the local Sheriff eventually figures out there’s a necrophile loose. Not prepared to handle such things, they decide to catch him by putting fake obituaries of beautiful women in the newspaper. Then they hide in the cemetery and wait for him to show up. Thing is though, the women are so beautiful, that it attracts normal dudes in masses, and they get overwhelmed, grave after grave dug up and general calamity ensues.”
That was the premise behind a 650-page monster of a novel I wrote in 2011. I did a year of research and got the stink eye aplenty when people asked what I was writing. “It’s about necrophilia.” “Oh…” It’s never a good thing when you have textbooks about human decomposition and necrophilia lying around, for which your only explanation is “I’m writing a book! I swear I am!” and you even show them 300 pages of it – doesn’t matter. People still going to think you’re deranged, and I might very well be.
But I’m funny, and necrophilia is and always will be hilarious to me.
The novel – which I named the Silent Dead after a passage in Pope’s translation of the Iliad – was utter crap, but I tried. I still think it’s a brilliant idea, it’s just beyond my power to flesh-out into a good story. But there’s a silver lining: I found myself as a comedic writer. I used a lot of the jokes I came up with for my Love Me Deadly review. Unfortunately, I went further and wound up watching a plethora of necrophilia movies – Love Me Deadly being a plethora of necrophilia all its own – and came out of that experience a damaged man.
So, that brings us to Nekromantik 2.
The title alone is a paradox: “Nekromantik TWO, you say? Who greenlit this!”. Nekromantik itself is challenging enough for anyone; I doubt there’s such a thing as a Nekromantik completist; anyone who actually, through hard effort, made it through Nekromantik would most likely pass out upon hearing that there is – indeed – a second one.
But it’s their loss, because Nekromantik 2 is one of the funniest dark comedies ever.
A brief summary of Nekromantik: a man named Rob, who works for a crime-scene clean-up crew, stumbles upon a corpse, and takes it for his own. He and his girlfriend – who is a quite interesting character herself – spend a lot of time making love to the corpse, in graphic detail. There’s a scene where a bunny rabbit is skinned and killed, and it ain’t fake. He ultimately looses his job, and in a sequence so brilliant it will literally drop your jaw, his girlfriend absconds with the corpse. Depressed and deprived of both his corpse and his best girl, the man kills himself by stabbing his stomach while masturbating.
That’s about as tame and PG a summary as you’re likely to find for that movie.
Notwithstanding cancel-culture, I feel relatively safe making fun of necrophiles because I don’t see them agitating politically anytime soon, no matter how “woke” people presume themselves to be.
Nekromantik 2 picks up right where the first one left off, with perhaps the funniest dark-humor joke I have ever seen. The girlfriend stands over a dug-up grave, leaning on her shovel and very, very pissed. The grave belongs to Rob, only another necrophile beat her to the grave and dug him up first. The early necrophile, I suppose, catches the worm?
That entrepreneurial necrophile is Monika, played by the incredibly beautiful Monika M, who herself is one of the more frustrating things about this movie. Unlike Nekromantik, Nekromantik 2 has sex scenes involving living people, said sex-scenes verging on softcore porn and, since Monkia M is so goddamned attractive, make it very tempting, but worth resisting, as no one – even within the knowledge of their own mind – wants to be the person who jerked off to Nekromantik 2.
Monika takes Rob home and has a wild time I won’t describe, and you’re welcome. This is the scene that will separate the men from the boys when it comes to finishing this movie. Later she meets Mark, a man who works as a voice-artist for porn films, if indeed such things exist outside the universe of this franchise (and if so, I’m free to hire!). He might for that reason be good at faking, which would be a good skill to have when dating a necrophile.
Mark and Monika begin dating, and things hit off to the extent that Monika decides to break up with Rob, and a necrophile break-up is truly a thing to behold. It’s basically a body disposal, complete with dismemberment and trash bags, only Monika is quite sad and upset, more resembling Britany Murphy burning her mementos in Clueless than Boris the Blade dismembering Benicio del Toro in Snatch. She can’t come to part, however, with Rob’s head and genitalia, the latter of which she stores in a jar in the fridge. Poor Rob is getting more sympathy in this movie as a corpse than he ever did in Nekromantik as a corpse-cleaner.
Mark comes over and he and Monika make love; which is disappointing, as surely as anyone can expect, for Monika despite Mark’s repertoire of sex phonetics. Later Mark takes a stroll and finds Rob’s dick in the fridge, which is a thing necessary to dwell on for a bit. The phrase “dick-in-a-jar” takes on a whole new meaning here. It’s impossible to be so obtuse as to not recognize the dick as both a dick and, more importantly – as a dead dick. The implications for Mark about Monika’s former lover are dark, but not quite as dark as the implications for Mark himself.
No one, really, wants to secretly suspect their lover – especially one as damn hot as Monika – as being a necrophile. One could, with a high level of tolerance, forgive Monika as just being weird when she showed him her scrapbook of relatives in coffins, and with more tolerance, forgive her for wanting to take pictures of Mark as if he were dead. But – even the most tolerant soul must man-up and face the worst when he finds a goddamend dead dick in a jar filled with formaldehyde in a fridge. That, Mark – is check mate.
Quod.
Erat.
Demonstrandum.
Get out of that house Mark, for God’s sake.
The next scene is best summed-up by the anonymous (obviously) Wikipedia author: “Soon thereafter, Monika and her fellow necrophiliac friends have a movie night at Monika's apartment, suggesting that she is part of a network of people with similar interests.” For some odd reason, these necrophilia movies – and I’ve seen probably more than anyone who isn’t an actual necrophile – include vast and intricate networks of necrophiles that would make QAnon shit a literal brick. And what do Monkia and her necrophile buddies watch?
A baby seal is clubbed to death and skinned.
Yeah, welcome the world of movies I watch for your laughter.
Mark, either the most intrepid optimist the world as ever known, or so seduced by Monika that he has quite literally lost his mind, crashes the party with a pizza. Pizza, Mark? Well, anyway, he wants to know what Monika and her friends were watching, which is a remarkably dumb thing, and Monika shows him the seal video, which – by the way – is every bit real. Mark, who found a dead penis that – as far as I want to tell – is larger than his and was formerly someone’s; whose detached penis he’ll nonetheless compete with, despite that competition being dead and the rest of his body God knows where; and hey, it wasn’t exactly like Mark’s pull-out game left Monika satisfied, and besides, who wants to lose a hot, unbelievably hot girlfriend who is totally out of Mark’s porn-dubbing-job league, and lose her yet still over a dead penis; all this must be going on in his mind, yet Mark, God bless him, is shocked and appalled at the baby seal. So, he and Monika have a fight.
If your want to keep dating Monika, oh poor and deluded Mark, you’re going to see a lot worse than that.
They separate, then come together again. When they make love this time, however, there won’t be any temptation to masturbate, as Monika decapitates Mark at a very awkward moment with the same knife she used to dismember Rob. Which makes that knife the first knife in the history of crime to have dismembered a corpse before it created one. Monika replaces Mark’s head with Rob’s, and now – I think? – has what she always wanted. Let’s be honest: Mark’s head wasn’t all that great to begin with.
But the last scene is the real kicker.
Monika goes to see a doctor, who tells her – guess what? –
She’s pregnant.
And oh is she happy about her little death-throe orgasm baby.
For all its gruesomeness and actual, real-life animal gore, Nekromantik 2 is a movie that you won’t ever see the likes of again and shouldn’t be tossed off because of its subject matter. The soundtrack and cinematography are heartbreakingly beautiful. It achieves Suspiria-level heights of atmosphere and tension. It’s about a woman torn between two lifestyles, between an authentic side of herself and a side that wants to conform, and the pros and cons of each. Monika ultimately choses to be true to herself and takes drastic action to accomplish self-realization on scale most of us can’t imagine and will have great difficulty sympathizing with.
It’s an important movie and was banned on a level unseen in Germany since the Nazis. Is it disturbing? You bet your ass it is. I didn’t need to re-watch it for this review, although I read the Wikipedia article for reference, because this movie is permanently scarred in my mind so deeply not even Elijah Wood could eternally remove it from my otherwise spotless mind. I recommend it if you have the guts. It ain’t no picnic, but it will do for you what movies were always supposed to do: leave you with a widened perspective, and might even make you sympathize with a group of people for whom sympathy is rarely, if ever, even considered.
I give it Five Stars.
Watch it if you dare.
When I was in jail, I had one of those ideas of which we mortals are afforded only once in a lifetime. A friend and I were watching To Catch a Predator, and he made a joke by translating the gimmick of the show into another paraphilia; I can’t remember which, probably bestiality. A thunderbolt went off in my head, and the best idea I ever had was born.
“No, no, no. What would really be funny, is if there was like this dude that had a wife die, right? Then some necrophile up and steals her straight out of the cemetery. Well, it takes a while, but the local Sheriff eventually figures out there’s a necrophile loose. Not prepared to handle such things, they decide to catch him by putting fake obituaries of beautiful women in the newspaper. Then they hide in the cemetery and wait for him to show up. Thing is though, the women are so beautiful, that it attracts normal dudes in masses, and they get overwhelmed, grave after grave dug up and general calamity ensues.”
That was the premise behind a 650-page monster of a novel I wrote in 2011. I did a year of research and got the stink eye aplenty when people asked what I was writing. “It’s about necrophilia.” “Oh…” It’s never a good thing when you have textbooks about human decomposition and necrophilia lying around, for which your only explanation is “I’m writing a book! I swear I am!” and you even show them 300 pages of it – doesn’t matter. People still going to think you’re deranged, and I might very well be.
But I’m funny, and necrophilia is and always will be hilarious to me.
The novel – which I named the Silent Dead after a passage in Pope’s translation of the Iliad – was utter crap, but I tried. I still think it’s a brilliant idea, it’s just beyond my power to flesh-out into a good story. But there’s a silver lining: I found myself as a comedic writer. I used a lot of the jokes I came up with for my Love Me Deadly review. Unfortunately, I went further and wound up watching a plethora of necrophilia movies – Love Me Deadly being a plethora of necrophilia all its own – and came out of that experience a damaged man.
So, that brings us to Nekromantik 2.
The title alone is a paradox: “Nekromantik TWO, you say? Who greenlit this!”. Nekromantik itself is challenging enough for anyone; I doubt there’s such a thing as a Nekromantik completist; anyone who actually, through hard effort, made it through Nekromantik would most likely pass out upon hearing that there is – indeed – a second one.
But it’s their loss, because Nekromantik 2 is one of the funniest dark comedies ever.
A brief summary of Nekromantik: a man named Rob, who works for a crime-scene clean-up crew, stumbles upon a corpse, and takes it for his own. He and his girlfriend – who is a quite interesting character herself – spend a lot of time making love to the corpse, in graphic detail. There’s a scene where a bunny rabbit is skinned and killed, and it ain’t fake. He ultimately looses his job, and in a sequence so brilliant it will literally drop your jaw, his girlfriend absconds with the corpse. Depressed and deprived of both his corpse and his best girl, the man kills himself by stabbing his stomach while masturbating.
That’s about as tame and PG a summary as you’re likely to find for that movie.
Notwithstanding cancel-culture, I feel relatively safe making fun of necrophiles because I don’t see them agitating politically anytime soon, no matter how “woke” people presume themselves to be.
Nekromantik 2 picks up right where the first one left off, with perhaps the funniest dark-humor joke I have ever seen. The girlfriend stands over a dug-up grave, leaning on her shovel and very, very pissed. The grave belongs to Rob, only another necrophile beat her to the grave and dug him up first. The early necrophile, I suppose, catches the worm?
That entrepreneurial necrophile is Monika, played by the incredibly beautiful Monika M, who herself is one of the more frustrating things about this movie. Unlike Nekromantik, Nekromantik 2 has sex scenes involving living people, said sex-scenes verging on softcore porn and, since Monkia M is so goddamned attractive, make it very tempting, but worth resisting, as no one – even within the knowledge of their own mind – wants to be the person who jerked off to Nekromantik 2.
Monika takes Rob home and has a wild time I won’t describe, and you’re welcome. This is the scene that will separate the men from the boys when it comes to finishing this movie. Later she meets Mark, a man who works as a voice-artist for porn films, if indeed such things exist outside the universe of this franchise (and if so, I’m free to hire!). He might for that reason be good at faking, which would be a good skill to have when dating a necrophile.
Mark and Monika begin dating, and things hit off to the extent that Monika decides to break up with Rob, and a necrophile break-up is truly a thing to behold. It’s basically a body disposal, complete with dismemberment and trash bags, only Monika is quite sad and upset, more resembling Britany Murphy burning her mementos in Clueless than Boris the Blade dismembering Benicio del Toro in Snatch. She can’t come to part, however, with Rob’s head and genitalia, the latter of which she stores in a jar in the fridge. Poor Rob is getting more sympathy in this movie as a corpse than he ever did in Nekromantik as a corpse-cleaner.
Mark comes over and he and Monika make love; which is disappointing, as surely as anyone can expect, for Monika despite Mark’s repertoire of sex phonetics. Later Mark takes a stroll and finds Rob’s dick in the fridge, which is a thing necessary to dwell on for a bit. The phrase “dick-in-a-jar” takes on a whole new meaning here. It’s impossible to be so obtuse as to not recognize the dick as both a dick and, more importantly – as a dead dick. The implications for Mark about Monika’s former lover are dark, but not quite as dark as the implications for Mark himself.
No one, really, wants to secretly suspect their lover – especially one as damn hot as Monika – as being a necrophile. One could, with a high level of tolerance, forgive Monika as just being weird when she showed him her scrapbook of relatives in coffins, and with more tolerance, forgive her for wanting to take pictures of Mark as if he were dead. But – even the most tolerant soul must man-up and face the worst when he finds a goddamend dead dick in a jar filled with formaldehyde in a fridge. That, Mark – is check mate.
Quod.
Erat.
Demonstrandum.
Get out of that house Mark, for God’s sake.
The next scene is best summed-up by the anonymous (obviously) Wikipedia author: “Soon thereafter, Monika and her fellow necrophiliac friends have a movie night at Monika's apartment, suggesting that she is part of a network of people with similar interests.” For some odd reason, these necrophilia movies – and I’ve seen probably more than anyone who isn’t an actual necrophile – include vast and intricate networks of necrophiles that would make QAnon shit a literal brick. And what do Monkia and her necrophile buddies watch?
A baby seal is clubbed to death and skinned.
Yeah, welcome the world of movies I watch for your laughter.
Mark, either the most intrepid optimist the world as ever known, or so seduced by Monika that he has quite literally lost his mind, crashes the party with a pizza. Pizza, Mark? Well, anyway, he wants to know what Monika and her friends were watching, which is a remarkably dumb thing, and Monika shows him the seal video, which – by the way – is every bit real. Mark, who found a dead penis that – as far as I want to tell – is larger than his and was formerly someone’s; whose detached penis he’ll nonetheless compete with, despite that competition being dead and the rest of his body God knows where; and hey, it wasn’t exactly like Mark’s pull-out game left Monika satisfied, and besides, who wants to lose a hot, unbelievably hot girlfriend who is totally out of Mark’s porn-dubbing-job league, and lose her yet still over a dead penis; all this must be going on in his mind, yet Mark, God bless him, is shocked and appalled at the baby seal. So, he and Monika have a fight.
If your want to keep dating Monika, oh poor and deluded Mark, you’re going to see a lot worse than that.
They separate, then come together again. When they make love this time, however, there won’t be any temptation to masturbate, as Monika decapitates Mark at a very awkward moment with the same knife she used to dismember Rob. Which makes that knife the first knife in the history of crime to have dismembered a corpse before it created one. Monika replaces Mark’s head with Rob’s, and now – I think? – has what she always wanted. Let’s be honest: Mark’s head wasn’t all that great to begin with.
But the last scene is the real kicker.
Monika goes to see a doctor, who tells her – guess what? –
She’s pregnant.
And oh is she happy about her little death-throe orgasm baby.
For all its gruesomeness and actual, real-life animal gore, Nekromantik 2 is a movie that you won’t ever see the likes of again and shouldn’t be tossed off because of its subject matter. The soundtrack and cinematography are heartbreakingly beautiful. It achieves Suspiria-level heights of atmosphere and tension. It’s about a woman torn between two lifestyles, between an authentic side of herself and a side that wants to conform, and the pros and cons of each. Monika ultimately choses to be true to herself and takes drastic action to accomplish self-realization on scale most of us can’t imagine and will have great difficulty sympathizing with.
It’s an important movie and was banned on a level unseen in Germany since the Nazis. Is it disturbing? You bet your ass it is. I didn’t need to re-watch it for this review, although I read the Wikipedia article for reference, because this movie is permanently scarred in my mind so deeply not even Elijah Wood could eternally remove it from my otherwise spotless mind. I recommend it if you have the guts. It ain’t no picnic, but it will do for you what movies were always supposed to do: leave you with a widened perspective, and might even make you sympathize with a group of people for whom sympathy is rarely, if ever, even considered.
I give it Five Stars.
Watch it if you dare.