Satan Introduces New Barter System at McDonald's.
Satan, The Great Lord of Darkness and Despair Himself, announced today that he will be incorporating a new barter system at McDonald's which will finally usher in, under his "insidious invisible hand", a New World Order. The barter system, in curious open defiance of capitalism, requires no money but only that certain, "randomly selected" customers will no longer have to "pay in any human sense" for their meals, but instead eat for free provided they perform a "small service" in the Name of TGLDD. He calls this his "Faustian Bargain Menu".
That Satan has been an entrepreneur for sometime is evident, often reinventing himself with a variety of popular products with no rational consistency in product choice or obvious demonic effect. There was the "Monster Satanic Energy Drink" scam, in which the soulless evil of a lesser imp or demon was "infused" with a concoction of Moscato wine and bacon. The energy drink, popular at detoxes nationwide to ease withdrawal symptoms of crystal meth, was bought out by Satan around 2009. The post-Satanic Monster now features a cross with a circle on the logo, which inverts itself when anyone drinks from the bottle horizontally like an idiot.
TGLDD also briefly infiltrated the Make a Wish Foundation with a "Moneky's Paw" inspired existential take down, but was frustrated when he was unable to bring about unforseen self-destruction on kids only wanting to be Batman for a day,
Satan came upon his new McDonald's campaign while eating at Chick Fil A on "Dress Like a Cow and Get Free Chicken Day". "If ---- ----- Chick Fil A can get people to dress like a ---- ----- cow for free chicken I know I can get them to murder each other for chicken nuggets."
IRONY:
Getting people to dress up like an animal synonomous with obesity to eat an animal synonomous with shame.
Exactly how long Satan has been managing McDonald's is uncertain, but he was obviously up to something with the "Ba da da da da" theme song, which is clearly a subliminal Satanic message only degrees less lazy and tasteless than his Twisted Sister hits.
He freely owns to being behind Mcdonald's "billboad collective sympathy" scheme, making a sloppy but impressively cheap commerical compiled of billboards of local tragidies taken out-of-context accompanied by a Sarah Mcloughlan song, of which he owns both the copyright as well as her soul. The tragidies, of which everyone of them Satan is behind, range from tornadoes, hurricanes, fatal Church collapses, breast cancer, and most spectacularly even a tour bus of old ladies, puppies and kittens that inexplicably caught fire and, equally inexplicably, kept on blindly pursuing the tour.
"The billboards bring in gluttons by droves. It doesn't even have to be a real tragedy. Sometimes I get lazy and just make one up. And no one notices. They really come to eat for the tornadoes, and particularly eat a lot if the billboard remembers a tradgedy from a location far away, or better, unkwown".
Satan's new barter system may not seem devilish at first, but, knowing Satan, will end in devastation if left to it's own devices. "It's a simple concept. People need McDonalds. I tried offering them deals. Then I just starting saying ----- like 'Baby son get mutilated in a freak Mac truck accident? Give me your soul and I'll use my Necronom-nom-nomicon to ressurect him, AND you get a McRibb too! Extra!"
Satan claims he already has a few souls in Hell from his new barter system. "----- ----visited with her son when he sent her a text that said 'I :) U' after decades of estrangement, only to murder him in cold blood when she found out he only did it when a McFLurry was thrown into the bargain, and even demaded extra M&Ms".
Once the barter exchange as been established, Satan will then open it to all McDonald's customers, however reserving a special service required of customers who desrire McDonald's on a level no higher power can help control. These customers will have to accomplish a series of "harmless pranks" on thier neighboors. The pranks in turn will naturally escalate out of the feuds that result from them, not to mention prexisting non-McDonald's-related-feuds, into "all out urban warfare". The only hope is that a smalltown Sheriff gets wise and shuts him down. "But then I'll just hop to another town, and then another, and another, because you know, McDonald's is a franchise!"
Satan closed with this arrogant response to a reporter who asked what would happen if people refused to eat McDonald's:
"No one- ever- will stop eating McDonalds. My commercials now are so blatantly heartless and mock my customers so relentlessly even I thought they would catch on, but people keep eating it and actually think my commercials are deigned so because I care! People will have to throw shit on their neighbor's laundry or bust their house up with apples if they want so much as a McMuffin. Aw, you don't want your McDonald's because you have to roll your neighbor's front yard with bloody tampons to get it? I know for a fact you can't keep your impotency at bay with anything less than a Big Mac and Super Size Fries, so if you want to get busy tonight I suggest you get some Maxipads and McKetchup and DO IT. Don't want McDonalds? You can Mc---- yourself".
That Satan has been an entrepreneur for sometime is evident, often reinventing himself with a variety of popular products with no rational consistency in product choice or obvious demonic effect. There was the "Monster Satanic Energy Drink" scam, in which the soulless evil of a lesser imp or demon was "infused" with a concoction of Moscato wine and bacon. The energy drink, popular at detoxes nationwide to ease withdrawal symptoms of crystal meth, was bought out by Satan around 2009. The post-Satanic Monster now features a cross with a circle on the logo, which inverts itself when anyone drinks from the bottle horizontally like an idiot.
TGLDD also briefly infiltrated the Make a Wish Foundation with a "Moneky's Paw" inspired existential take down, but was frustrated when he was unable to bring about unforseen self-destruction on kids only wanting to be Batman for a day,
Satan came upon his new McDonald's campaign while eating at Chick Fil A on "Dress Like a Cow and Get Free Chicken Day". "If ---- ----- Chick Fil A can get people to dress like a ---- ----- cow for free chicken I know I can get them to murder each other for chicken nuggets."
IRONY:
Getting people to dress up like an animal synonomous with obesity to eat an animal synonomous with shame.
Exactly how long Satan has been managing McDonald's is uncertain, but he was obviously up to something with the "Ba da da da da" theme song, which is clearly a subliminal Satanic message only degrees less lazy and tasteless than his Twisted Sister hits.
He freely owns to being behind Mcdonald's "billboad collective sympathy" scheme, making a sloppy but impressively cheap commerical compiled of billboards of local tragidies taken out-of-context accompanied by a Sarah Mcloughlan song, of which he owns both the copyright as well as her soul. The tragidies, of which everyone of them Satan is behind, range from tornadoes, hurricanes, fatal Church collapses, breast cancer, and most spectacularly even a tour bus of old ladies, puppies and kittens that inexplicably caught fire and, equally inexplicably, kept on blindly pursuing the tour.
"The billboards bring in gluttons by droves. It doesn't even have to be a real tragedy. Sometimes I get lazy and just make one up. And no one notices. They really come to eat for the tornadoes, and particularly eat a lot if the billboard remembers a tradgedy from a location far away, or better, unkwown".
Satan's new barter system may not seem devilish at first, but, knowing Satan, will end in devastation if left to it's own devices. "It's a simple concept. People need McDonalds. I tried offering them deals. Then I just starting saying ----- like 'Baby son get mutilated in a freak Mac truck accident? Give me your soul and I'll use my Necronom-nom-nomicon to ressurect him, AND you get a McRibb too! Extra!"
Satan claims he already has a few souls in Hell from his new barter system. "----- ----visited with her son when he sent her a text that said 'I :) U' after decades of estrangement, only to murder him in cold blood when she found out he only did it when a McFLurry was thrown into the bargain, and even demaded extra M&Ms".
Once the barter exchange as been established, Satan will then open it to all McDonald's customers, however reserving a special service required of customers who desrire McDonald's on a level no higher power can help control. These customers will have to accomplish a series of "harmless pranks" on thier neighboors. The pranks in turn will naturally escalate out of the feuds that result from them, not to mention prexisting non-McDonald's-related-feuds, into "all out urban warfare". The only hope is that a smalltown Sheriff gets wise and shuts him down. "But then I'll just hop to another town, and then another, and another, because you know, McDonald's is a franchise!"
Satan closed with this arrogant response to a reporter who asked what would happen if people refused to eat McDonald's:
"No one- ever- will stop eating McDonalds. My commercials now are so blatantly heartless and mock my customers so relentlessly even I thought they would catch on, but people keep eating it and actually think my commercials are deigned so because I care! People will have to throw shit on their neighbor's laundry or bust their house up with apples if they want so much as a McMuffin. Aw, you don't want your McDonald's because you have to roll your neighbor's front yard with bloody tampons to get it? I know for a fact you can't keep your impotency at bay with anything less than a Big Mac and Super Size Fries, so if you want to get busy tonight I suggest you get some Maxipads and McKetchup and DO IT. Don't want McDonalds? You can Mc---- yourself".