4 Celebrities Who Will Never Make Porn (but really should)
Let’s face it: most celebrities care nothing for art and only make movies, songs, or books for money. While there’s nothing wrong with that, some celebrities could make much, much more if they made pornography. Can you imagine how much money Meagan Fox could make if she made a porn video and sold it for 50$ on Amazon? I’m not saying I would buy it, but I bet for a measly hour or two of some method acting and a few cheap props, she could gross triple what she earned from Transformers. But Meagan doesn't care about money. She's in it for the ART.
Yet, somewhere along the line, porn got a shady reputation and is now frowned upon by actors and actresses. Actors and actresses, who are by no means artistic, who by no means do any quality work, still manage to summon the haughtiness of Baron de Charlus whenever porn is mentioned. “Make a porn? Who do you think I am? I made Magic Mike, which people come to see for the symbolism. It’s really an allegory about mass consumerism, represented by my chiseled abs, and my debonair accent represents Occupy Wall Street. I will starve before I do porn”.
Because I don’t think pornography should be off the map for any actor’s career- except Ron Perlman, of course- I compiled this list of celebrities who really should do porn. Not because they want to, or that I would watch it, but because it’s the right thing to do.
Ashton Kutcher.
Not a year goes by where I never see a preview for a Kutcher romance. They always strangle my soul, always make me lose faith in humanity for the rest of the day, and without fail make me question the existence of a loving God. I even went on a purge one year, depriving myself of TV and only watching movies I was sure wouldn’t have a Kutcher trailer, but alas: the bastard snuck in a trailer on my damn Cannibal Holocaust DVD. No matter how hard I try, I cannot escape knowing what his latest movie is. I’m sure even someone as bunkered down and reclusive as Jack Chick can tell you all about the new Kutcher movie. And he probably saw the last one too.
People who know me might wonder why I would want Ashton Kutcher to do porn. The answer is simple: if Ashton Kutcher is busy doing porn, he’s not busy making rotten romantic comedies. There will never be a trailer for a porn featuring Ashton Kutcher on cable TV. I will never see a McDonald’s Happy Meal campaign for a Kutcher porn. Women will never talk in public about the chemistry between Kutcher and Air Force Amy or how it was really sweet of him to give her an autographed towel to clean up. I know some ladies love him, but wouldn’t you love him even more if you got to see all of him, all the time? And John Cryer can hop along with him- plenty of porn stars need sidekicks.
Taylor Swift.
Contrary to the hype CMT wants my hormones to feel for Taylor Swift, I actually find her rather bland. That is, bland when her mouth is shut. As soon as she starts singing, her voice slides down my spine like a cheese grater. If Swift was made an immodest proposal and made some porn, she’d be singing a different tune altogether. And even if she does carry on "Love Story” while being “loved” by a jungle hoard of uncouth country cousins, she’d be singing on a website I’ll never visit. How can local woman compete with that? If Swift did porn, the ensuing addiction among her male fan base would bottom out the dating market and leave the only man not watching- me- the only option. It’s a win win.
D.J. Qualls (in case you forgot, or never knew, "that skinny nerd" from Road Trip)
Another celebrity I have no desire to see “perform”, I’d still like DJ Qualls to do porn, and again for entirely selfish reasons. Why? Because a good number of stupid people think I look like him. Anyone with a discerning eye can see massive differences, but it’s still annoying. Qualls hasn’t been in a major motion picture for years, yet this still happens frequently enough you’d think he recently played Edward Cullen. We’re both ultra-skinny and a little socially off, but that’s where the similarity ends. If Qualls embarked on a legendary porn career, maybe these comparisons would stop, or at least be more flattering. If not, I could always counter with “DJ Qualls? You mean the raging porn star from Welcome Home, Brother Qualls? You haven’t seen it? Oh- he totally strangles pimps and pushers with his pulsating... well, look it up...”
I am a bit afraid though, that the specialized cult that would gobble up DJ Quall porn would be the sort I would not want to meet. I don't exactly want to run into Mama Kong looking to reenact her favorite scene from Road Drip.
Tim Curry.
Who hasn’t thought, at some dark point in life, “You know, I’d love for Tim Curry to do porn...” I thought this immediately after watching The Story of Santa Claus, where Curry plays Nostros, the eldest elf. Take a look at his IMDB page and imagine the possibilities of Curry, in character, playing a porno parody of every movie he’s been in. For example: Pennywise the Dancing Clown takes his power-morphing ability to new, untamed heights: “Kiss me, fat boy!”
He can sing and dance too, adding pizazz and panache to any pompous porno parody. Rooster Hannigan- from Annie. The Ploughman’s Lunch-need I say more?
Who wouldn’t pay a lot of money to see The Devil from Legend teach his hobgoblins some bedside manners? Wadsworth finds the final Clue in Marilyn’s chamber.
His impressive over-acting would “come in handy” as well. Captain Hook from Peter Pan and the Pirates hooks a hooker and gives Tinkerbelle some unforgettable “happy thoughts”. And of course, Rocky would have his Picture Show, and as long as Susan Sarandon was on board, I might even buy that one.