My 15 Favorite MST3K Episodes.
It was the night of the last day of school, 1995. I had my best friend over and we were hopelessly channel surfing, annoyed because there was nothing on and Comedy Central had this stupid movie playing that just wouldn’t stop. Finally we gave up and rested on Comedy Central, which was supposed to be funny anyway. The movie was Hercules Unchained, and about five minutes into it I heard a joke I will never forget. One of the characters bowed and said “I assure you.” And out of the oppressive silence this movie had created in the living room, someone said “I’m bald.” For a minute I thought my friend said it. Confused, we finally noticed the three silhouettes at the bottom of the screen. And thus, my love for MST3K was born, and like Hollywood’s love for rebooting crap, it will never die.
Compiling my favorite episodes was extremely difficult, but I managed to accomplish it with the help of my robot friends. Some of you have maybe seen all of these, some none, but I can guarantee each and every one of them is far funnier than 90% of comedies made since MST3K was canceled. If you think I’ve given a particular episode more credit than it deserves, just remember, it’s only a list, you should really just relax.
Soultaker.
Favorite Riff: “Employees only. Dammit, foiled again!”
Soultaker, starring Joe Estevez (as much as it can), is one of those movies Mike and the gang must have felt was made with the show in mind. The precious overacting, goofy plot, and unbelievable “special” effects generate hilarious riffs I use in everyday conversation.
Merlin’s Shop of Magical Wonders.
Favorite Riff: “Merlin sends in his trained flatulence to scout the room.”
This movie is basically an hour and a half episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark?, except the stories are told by Ernest Borgnine and rip off Stephen King. One involves how a cocky reviewer whose reviews can destroy entire cities learns the real power of magic, and the other a monkey doll that can make bad things happen by crashing some cymbals (sound familiar?). Great lengths are taken to dispose of the monkey, but he keeps returning. The ending is disappointing: Merlin just shows up and takes the monkey away after a vicious scolding. Throw in some classic riffs and you’ll have a gut-busting hour and a half.
The Deadly Bees.
Favorite Riff: “Just let me open this Jackie Chan in a can...”
I once saw this movie unriffed on a movie channel of long ago, so of course I watched the MST3K version with doubled delight. A terrible 70s movie about competing bee keepers that escalates to the creation of “deadly bees”, any DVD version of this movie should contain the MST3K commentary. This episode is also wonderful because it has one of the best cameos of a character from the movie, highlighting the very stupid ending of the movie itself. An indispensable episode, hilarious from beginning to end.
I Accuse My Parents.
Favorite Riff: “Yes, Satan. Speak to me through this song.”
A morality play about the winner of an essay contest who forsakes going to Europe to fight the Nazis so he can get involved with the mob, I Accuse My Parents has some of the darkest riffs of any episode. The riffing is so distracting from the movie itself that I can’t honestly remember much about it except the riffs.
The Beginning of The End.
Favorite Riff: “I just wanted to hop up here and say hope you’re enjoying the show!”
Giant grasshoppers. That’s all you need to know.
Final Justice
Favorite Riff: “And a drunken Joe Don Baker is dragged to the set of Final Justice.”
I had include one of the many Joe Don Baker episodes, and this one is my favorite. Baker plays a renegade cop out after an escaped mob boss. The Joe Don Baker episodes really make me appreciate what the MST3K crew went through, and what I often go through, to come up with these jokes. Could you stand Joe Don Baker’s face 20,000 times?
Cave Dwellers.
Favorite Riff: “Make sure and drink it all. Sometimes the poison’s at the bottom...”
A B-movie Italian Conan, Cave Dwellers doesn’t fair to well at the hands of the MST crew. Ator, the film’s generic hero, is on a quest- I forgot for what or why- and takes Jodie Foster’s little sister and martial arts sidekick Wong (Gomez!) along for the fun. As a special treat, Crow reveals some anachronisms the editors didn’t catch (or didn’t care to). Barbarians with sunglasses and a horse ride through a field where someone left some “four-wheelin’” tracks are just two great examples.
The Final Sacrifice.
Favorite Riff: “Know him? He was delicious!”
If you find the name Zap Rowsdower hilarious, you owe it yourself to check out this episode as soon as you can. Rowsdower is prone to wondering if there’s beer on the sun and if he can drink elderly hermits with scabies (No...) There’s also a skinny kid who grunts and growls like a constipated Gollum, and door-to-door executioners.
The Legend of Boggy Creek II
Favorite Riff: “Blush? What the hell is blush?”
A professor and his gullible students set out to find Bigfoot, and end up getting abducted by an over-all sporting redneck with unwanted back hair. One of the worst of the movies the crew suffers through, I’ll admit this episode can get tiring, but that’s the movie’s fault. I would not want to suffer the unriffed version.
The Thing That wouldn’t Die.
Favorite Riff: “Well, I got that crime started…”
A girl who divines water on a ranch, a disembodied head that sings, and a grave digging savant who helps with the crimes. And a peeping ranch hand. This movie is so all over the place I think Mike and the gang maybe felt a little bad for picking on it, but then, I don’t. I do the same stuff…
Pod People.
Favorite Riff: “Hazaa!”
Aliens land and one in particular- Trumpie- befriends an annoying kid while a glam band ( “It stinks!”) spends the night at his parent’s cabin. They’re also being hunted by Renaissance Fair Enthusiasts who came upon the Alien eggs. One of Joel’s best episodes, and a favorite of a high profile Mystie I admire.
Devil Doll.
Favorite Riff: “I’ve been doing push-ups in my cage!”
A ventriloquist has a doll that is somehow alive which he uses to woo massive booty calls and be a generic ass. For some reason this is one of the most watched episodes, but don’t let that throw you off. I’ve seen few things funnier than this episode, well- to be exact- three things…
Touch of Satan.
Favorite Riff: “There’s been a walnut uprising.”
A vacuous girl lives on a walnut farm with her crazy granny who’s got it goin’ on, and also likes to kill people at random. Satan is around somewhere, touching things, but I don’t remember him in situ. A boobish 70s man comes to the farm and has an awkward romance with the girl, before all hell breaks loose.
The Undead.
Favorite Riff: “Satan, I want up the ladder on the Lollipop Guild!”
This episode has something all the others do not: an Imp. And he’s a damn good Imp, so good he even gets to lick the axe after a fresh murder. There’s also a hypnotist who thinks about himself when he touches people, and a prostitute who likes men with hands. Add in a gravedigger with a series of hit records and you have a five star episode. Nearly every riff in this episode is so funny you almost have to pause the DVD and laugh for five minutes before you can go on.
“Manos”The Hands of Fate.
Favorite Riff: “I’m sure they dissolved to the same scene...”
In order to understand why this episode is my favorite, you have understand just how god-awful bad “Manos” really is. “Manos”is the worst movie I’ve ever seen, by far. That MST3K can take a movie like “Manos” and not only make it watchable, but also the funniest cinematic experience I’ve ever had, is a testament to how funny this show can be.
The “Manos” episode has everything you love about MST3K done perfectly. If there was one episode I could whole-heartedly recommend everyone in the world to see before they die, it would be this one. There's nothing I can say about the movie without ruining the episode, so go check it out. If you're dissapointed, maybe humor isn't your thing.
Compiling my favorite episodes was extremely difficult, but I managed to accomplish it with the help of my robot friends. Some of you have maybe seen all of these, some none, but I can guarantee each and every one of them is far funnier than 90% of comedies made since MST3K was canceled. If you think I’ve given a particular episode more credit than it deserves, just remember, it’s only a list, you should really just relax.
Soultaker.
Favorite Riff: “Employees only. Dammit, foiled again!”
Soultaker, starring Joe Estevez (as much as it can), is one of those movies Mike and the gang must have felt was made with the show in mind. The precious overacting, goofy plot, and unbelievable “special” effects generate hilarious riffs I use in everyday conversation.
Merlin’s Shop of Magical Wonders.
Favorite Riff: “Merlin sends in his trained flatulence to scout the room.”
This movie is basically an hour and a half episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark?, except the stories are told by Ernest Borgnine and rip off Stephen King. One involves how a cocky reviewer whose reviews can destroy entire cities learns the real power of magic, and the other a monkey doll that can make bad things happen by crashing some cymbals (sound familiar?). Great lengths are taken to dispose of the monkey, but he keeps returning. The ending is disappointing: Merlin just shows up and takes the monkey away after a vicious scolding. Throw in some classic riffs and you’ll have a gut-busting hour and a half.
The Deadly Bees.
Favorite Riff: “Just let me open this Jackie Chan in a can...”
I once saw this movie unriffed on a movie channel of long ago, so of course I watched the MST3K version with doubled delight. A terrible 70s movie about competing bee keepers that escalates to the creation of “deadly bees”, any DVD version of this movie should contain the MST3K commentary. This episode is also wonderful because it has one of the best cameos of a character from the movie, highlighting the very stupid ending of the movie itself. An indispensable episode, hilarious from beginning to end.
I Accuse My Parents.
Favorite Riff: “Yes, Satan. Speak to me through this song.”
A morality play about the winner of an essay contest who forsakes going to Europe to fight the Nazis so he can get involved with the mob, I Accuse My Parents has some of the darkest riffs of any episode. The riffing is so distracting from the movie itself that I can’t honestly remember much about it except the riffs.
The Beginning of The End.
Favorite Riff: “I just wanted to hop up here and say hope you’re enjoying the show!”
Giant grasshoppers. That’s all you need to know.
Final Justice
Favorite Riff: “And a drunken Joe Don Baker is dragged to the set of Final Justice.”
I had include one of the many Joe Don Baker episodes, and this one is my favorite. Baker plays a renegade cop out after an escaped mob boss. The Joe Don Baker episodes really make me appreciate what the MST3K crew went through, and what I often go through, to come up with these jokes. Could you stand Joe Don Baker’s face 20,000 times?
Cave Dwellers.
Favorite Riff: “Make sure and drink it all. Sometimes the poison’s at the bottom...”
A B-movie Italian Conan, Cave Dwellers doesn’t fair to well at the hands of the MST crew. Ator, the film’s generic hero, is on a quest- I forgot for what or why- and takes Jodie Foster’s little sister and martial arts sidekick Wong (Gomez!) along for the fun. As a special treat, Crow reveals some anachronisms the editors didn’t catch (or didn’t care to). Barbarians with sunglasses and a horse ride through a field where someone left some “four-wheelin’” tracks are just two great examples.
The Final Sacrifice.
Favorite Riff: “Know him? He was delicious!”
If you find the name Zap Rowsdower hilarious, you owe it yourself to check out this episode as soon as you can. Rowsdower is prone to wondering if there’s beer on the sun and if he can drink elderly hermits with scabies (No...) There’s also a skinny kid who grunts and growls like a constipated Gollum, and door-to-door executioners.
The Legend of Boggy Creek II
Favorite Riff: “Blush? What the hell is blush?”
A professor and his gullible students set out to find Bigfoot, and end up getting abducted by an over-all sporting redneck with unwanted back hair. One of the worst of the movies the crew suffers through, I’ll admit this episode can get tiring, but that’s the movie’s fault. I would not want to suffer the unriffed version.
The Thing That wouldn’t Die.
Favorite Riff: “Well, I got that crime started…”
A girl who divines water on a ranch, a disembodied head that sings, and a grave digging savant who helps with the crimes. And a peeping ranch hand. This movie is so all over the place I think Mike and the gang maybe felt a little bad for picking on it, but then, I don’t. I do the same stuff…
Pod People.
Favorite Riff: “Hazaa!”
Aliens land and one in particular- Trumpie- befriends an annoying kid while a glam band ( “It stinks!”) spends the night at his parent’s cabin. They’re also being hunted by Renaissance Fair Enthusiasts who came upon the Alien eggs. One of Joel’s best episodes, and a favorite of a high profile Mystie I admire.
Devil Doll.
Favorite Riff: “I’ve been doing push-ups in my cage!”
A ventriloquist has a doll that is somehow alive which he uses to woo massive booty calls and be a generic ass. For some reason this is one of the most watched episodes, but don’t let that throw you off. I’ve seen few things funnier than this episode, well- to be exact- three things…
Touch of Satan.
Favorite Riff: “There’s been a walnut uprising.”
A vacuous girl lives on a walnut farm with her crazy granny who’s got it goin’ on, and also likes to kill people at random. Satan is around somewhere, touching things, but I don’t remember him in situ. A boobish 70s man comes to the farm and has an awkward romance with the girl, before all hell breaks loose.
The Undead.
Favorite Riff: “Satan, I want up the ladder on the Lollipop Guild!”
This episode has something all the others do not: an Imp. And he’s a damn good Imp, so good he even gets to lick the axe after a fresh murder. There’s also a hypnotist who thinks about himself when he touches people, and a prostitute who likes men with hands. Add in a gravedigger with a series of hit records and you have a five star episode. Nearly every riff in this episode is so funny you almost have to pause the DVD and laugh for five minutes before you can go on.
“Manos”The Hands of Fate.
Favorite Riff: “I’m sure they dissolved to the same scene...”
In order to understand why this episode is my favorite, you have understand just how god-awful bad “Manos” really is. “Manos”is the worst movie I’ve ever seen, by far. That MST3K can take a movie like “Manos” and not only make it watchable, but also the funniest cinematic experience I’ve ever had, is a testament to how funny this show can be.
The “Manos” episode has everything you love about MST3K done perfectly. If there was one episode I could whole-heartedly recommend everyone in the world to see before they die, it would be this one. There's nothing I can say about the movie without ruining the episode, so go check it out. If you're dissapointed, maybe humor isn't your thing.