Gymkata
I took Taekwondo when I was little. I was going to be the next Karate Kid, and although I wasn’t getting trained by an eccentric old master, I had big dreams of winning tournaments and scoring all the ladies.
Apparently I didn’t know what was up at the time, because gymnastics is where you learn to really kick someone’s ass. At least that’s what happens in Gymkata, a 1985 martial arts film starring Kurt Thomas, former Olympic gold medal gymnast.
World Champion Kurt Thomas The Master of Gymkata is perhaps one of the five worst movies ever made, and in no small part because there aren’t any other practitioners of Gymkata around, just the one Master. It’s a fractal of infinite badness, with every aspect of storytelling and movie making so seriously flawed I could write a book about it. But the single worst thing about Gymkata is its premise: a fighting style that’s a mixture of gymnastics and karate. The pitch should have ended there.“Uh, no we’re not making that. And you’re fired by the way.”
You can thank your unintentional comedy Gods that no one, from idea to screenplay, to shooting and post-production, ever second guessed that an effeminate gymnast using a high bar to kill street ninjas would satisfy the bloodlust of 80s American men. There’s quite a few scenes where your suspension of disbelief is threatened, not by implausible events, but by the fact that the movie keeps going. You expect to hear a voice over declare: “Cut. This is awful. We’re DONE.” But you never do. Gymkata is a like a retarded child with a charmed life who insists on playing on the highway: you eventually stop warning it because you realize that it’s some All-Mighty Retard God’s favorite and it will never get run over.
I won’t need to point out the bad scenes, because they’re virtually every scene in the movie. I would really feel bad for those involved, not being able to predict the internet and that this embarrassment would live on, but I don’t. I don’t because it takes some serious drugs to finish a film like this, and since they got their hands some mythical potions capable of producing the thought “Gymnastics and Karate! AWESOME!”, they should have shared it with the rest of us.
What is Gymkata about? It’s the story of Jonathon Cabot, a gymnast who is enlisted by the government to play a game in Parmistan so he can get a favor. If I explain that further it only gets worse. The Game-as it’s called- is a series of athletic challenges, so it’s basically Double Dare. Except you get chased by ninjas and they will kill you if they catch up. So it’s actually more like what Double Dare should have been.
If a foreigner wins The Game, he gets citizenship and a favor that cannot be denied. Why does the government want a favor from a third-world country the size of Rhode Island? So it can put up a strategic satellite, the one necessary satellite that could stop an oncoming Russian nuclear attack. Ninjas and impending Russian Nuclear Doom. And gymnastics with karate. What a treat.
The government did think about just conquering Parmistan and putting up a satellite anyway, The Game be damned. But the higher ups decided that’s not in “style” anymore. Russia, at any time it wants, can launch a world ending nuclear attack, but “invade and conquer” isn’t in this year, so the hell with it. And speaking of fashion and what’s “in”, gymnastics and karate, now we’re talking!
Cabot accepts and goes through one of the most nonsensical training montages I’ve ever seen. A ninja Master uses some cool weapons really fast and then laughs at Cabot. Cabot doesn’t learn those skills. He walks on his hands up some stairs. And you’re thinking “This will pay off nicely. He’ll have to backflip into a staircase and hand-walk through laser beams...” but just stop. He never does it again. Did the director get sick of all the crotch shots in this sequence? Perhaps, or maybe he just repressed them and the payoff still haunts his dreams.
There’s also a love interest, the Princess of Parmistan, who Cabot thinks it’s good diplomacy to bang after she pulls a knife out on him. Cabot uses his gymnastic ability to flirt, as I’m sure he uses it for everything else, so it’s not unreasonable to conclude that him and the Princess were the first pioneers of the Gymnasty.
And then it’s off to Parmistan. Cabot is introduced to some weapons in a James Bond cliché, and the weapons are, you guessed it, specifically designed for an unbelievable use the film had to foreshadow to be realistic later. Excepts it foreshaows things it forgets about and consquently never happen. Ergo: One is a knife that shoots out the blade which, according to its inventor, can kill a man at 20 feet. Even if you shoot him in the foot.
Another is a hatchet that will cut through anything. Anything, that is, but the pauses in dialogue where everyone doubts if the lines they were given were typos. But don’t worry; Cabot never uses the knife in a Punisher-like clinch scene. He, like everyone else, disregards setup entirely and saves his energy for that famous high bar so conveniently placed in an alley.
I now come to Gymkata’s famous fight scenes. Cabot’s handler is shot with an arrow for no reason at all and Cabot runs after the assassins, with hilarious results. It would be nice if us non-gymnasts could try to punch a ninja, miss completely, and have the ninja fall down anyway, because that’s what the script told him to do. Cabot double-kicks the air in front of two Ninjas-the air, not their faces- who are so demoralized by this they just shut down and collapse in shame. The unnecessary somersaults and backflips only make Cabot look like a hyperactive circus midget. “Want to kick my ass? Yep- you gotta catch me first!”
The Princess is captured, but Cabot rescues her ten minutes later, because plot conventions like tension and resolution are useless against the badassery known as Gymkata. Eventually we meet the main bad guy, but he’s uninteresting, only riding around on his horse with his ninja support system, killing whoever gets in his way. He doesn’t want Cabot to win the game, although he wants to modernize Parmistan and good relations with the US would be a great start, he’s more concerned with killing a romantic rival.
There’s another assassination attempt, but Cabot uses the high bar to defeat it. I never have to worry about gymnasts getting bum rushed overseas by sex-crazed pedestrians when there’s a high bar around. The forces of evil never thought to remove the random gymnastic equipment lying around, and who can blame them? I think they actually put the equipment there as a slap in the face, seeing as Cabot would be trained to use KNIVES AND HATCHETS, but the only weapons he can find are useless parallel bars that remind him he’s a gymnast, not a highly trained government operative. Still, conversations like this probably occurred:
“Uh, Boss- shouldn’t we destroy the Pummel Horse in the Mad
City? Cabot might use it...”
“Nonsense. No one could ever use a Pummel Horse to kill ninjas.
We’re going to leave it there, to mock him and his girly
sport.”
And about that damned Pummel Horse.... The Pummel Horse Fight Scene is without a doubt the most hilarious scene in the movie, and words really fail to describe how silly it is. The scene is edited so badly Cabot will knock out the same ninja twice, when the same frames are rebooted within seconds of each other. It’s like Cabot can travel back in time so he can live out an instant replay of his favorite kills. You remember the girl who twisted her ankle yet still managed to make a perfect landing and win a gold medal? Imagine if a Kobra Kai bully charged her right after that and she crane-kicked his head off. That’s the Pummel Horse Scene. I really can’t do this scene justice, it has to be watched. It’s on youtube, so look it up one day when you want a great laugh.
Cabot wins the game, with the help of his father who died in the credits. Cabot himself has to remind us this is his father, when the dramatic reveal doesn’t quite work. We only see the father for about five minutes at the beginning of the movie, and given all the ridiculousness that’s gone on until we see him again, you'll have long forgotten about him and his meaningless death. Cabot doesn’t recognize him, tries to figure out what the twist is about, then remembers his lines and announces, with the same doubt you have yourself, “Father?”
After Cabot’s father dies AGAIN, and again appears with an obscure revival, Cabot rides into town victorious. And because by now the drugs have worn off and everyone just wants the movie to end, there’s a subtitled summary of the ensuing events you never cared about because Gymkata didn’t either. So, when in Rome: He gets his favor, and gets the satellite I guess, and the princess.
Apparently I didn’t know what was up at the time, because gymnastics is where you learn to really kick someone’s ass. At least that’s what happens in Gymkata, a 1985 martial arts film starring Kurt Thomas, former Olympic gold medal gymnast.
World Champion Kurt Thomas The Master of Gymkata is perhaps one of the five worst movies ever made, and in no small part because there aren’t any other practitioners of Gymkata around, just the one Master. It’s a fractal of infinite badness, with every aspect of storytelling and movie making so seriously flawed I could write a book about it. But the single worst thing about Gymkata is its premise: a fighting style that’s a mixture of gymnastics and karate. The pitch should have ended there.“Uh, no we’re not making that. And you’re fired by the way.”
You can thank your unintentional comedy Gods that no one, from idea to screenplay, to shooting and post-production, ever second guessed that an effeminate gymnast using a high bar to kill street ninjas would satisfy the bloodlust of 80s American men. There’s quite a few scenes where your suspension of disbelief is threatened, not by implausible events, but by the fact that the movie keeps going. You expect to hear a voice over declare: “Cut. This is awful. We’re DONE.” But you never do. Gymkata is a like a retarded child with a charmed life who insists on playing on the highway: you eventually stop warning it because you realize that it’s some All-Mighty Retard God’s favorite and it will never get run over.
I won’t need to point out the bad scenes, because they’re virtually every scene in the movie. I would really feel bad for those involved, not being able to predict the internet and that this embarrassment would live on, but I don’t. I don’t because it takes some serious drugs to finish a film like this, and since they got their hands some mythical potions capable of producing the thought “Gymnastics and Karate! AWESOME!”, they should have shared it with the rest of us.
What is Gymkata about? It’s the story of Jonathon Cabot, a gymnast who is enlisted by the government to play a game in Parmistan so he can get a favor. If I explain that further it only gets worse. The Game-as it’s called- is a series of athletic challenges, so it’s basically Double Dare. Except you get chased by ninjas and they will kill you if they catch up. So it’s actually more like what Double Dare should have been.
If a foreigner wins The Game, he gets citizenship and a favor that cannot be denied. Why does the government want a favor from a third-world country the size of Rhode Island? So it can put up a strategic satellite, the one necessary satellite that could stop an oncoming Russian nuclear attack. Ninjas and impending Russian Nuclear Doom. And gymnastics with karate. What a treat.
The government did think about just conquering Parmistan and putting up a satellite anyway, The Game be damned. But the higher ups decided that’s not in “style” anymore. Russia, at any time it wants, can launch a world ending nuclear attack, but “invade and conquer” isn’t in this year, so the hell with it. And speaking of fashion and what’s “in”, gymnastics and karate, now we’re talking!
Cabot accepts and goes through one of the most nonsensical training montages I’ve ever seen. A ninja Master uses some cool weapons really fast and then laughs at Cabot. Cabot doesn’t learn those skills. He walks on his hands up some stairs. And you’re thinking “This will pay off nicely. He’ll have to backflip into a staircase and hand-walk through laser beams...” but just stop. He never does it again. Did the director get sick of all the crotch shots in this sequence? Perhaps, or maybe he just repressed them and the payoff still haunts his dreams.
There’s also a love interest, the Princess of Parmistan, who Cabot thinks it’s good diplomacy to bang after she pulls a knife out on him. Cabot uses his gymnastic ability to flirt, as I’m sure he uses it for everything else, so it’s not unreasonable to conclude that him and the Princess were the first pioneers of the Gymnasty.
And then it’s off to Parmistan. Cabot is introduced to some weapons in a James Bond cliché, and the weapons are, you guessed it, specifically designed for an unbelievable use the film had to foreshadow to be realistic later. Excepts it foreshaows things it forgets about and consquently never happen. Ergo: One is a knife that shoots out the blade which, according to its inventor, can kill a man at 20 feet. Even if you shoot him in the foot.
Another is a hatchet that will cut through anything. Anything, that is, but the pauses in dialogue where everyone doubts if the lines they were given were typos. But don’t worry; Cabot never uses the knife in a Punisher-like clinch scene. He, like everyone else, disregards setup entirely and saves his energy for that famous high bar so conveniently placed in an alley.
I now come to Gymkata’s famous fight scenes. Cabot’s handler is shot with an arrow for no reason at all and Cabot runs after the assassins, with hilarious results. It would be nice if us non-gymnasts could try to punch a ninja, miss completely, and have the ninja fall down anyway, because that’s what the script told him to do. Cabot double-kicks the air in front of two Ninjas-the air, not their faces- who are so demoralized by this they just shut down and collapse in shame. The unnecessary somersaults and backflips only make Cabot look like a hyperactive circus midget. “Want to kick my ass? Yep- you gotta catch me first!”
The Princess is captured, but Cabot rescues her ten minutes later, because plot conventions like tension and resolution are useless against the badassery known as Gymkata. Eventually we meet the main bad guy, but he’s uninteresting, only riding around on his horse with his ninja support system, killing whoever gets in his way. He doesn’t want Cabot to win the game, although he wants to modernize Parmistan and good relations with the US would be a great start, he’s more concerned with killing a romantic rival.
There’s another assassination attempt, but Cabot uses the high bar to defeat it. I never have to worry about gymnasts getting bum rushed overseas by sex-crazed pedestrians when there’s a high bar around. The forces of evil never thought to remove the random gymnastic equipment lying around, and who can blame them? I think they actually put the equipment there as a slap in the face, seeing as Cabot would be trained to use KNIVES AND HATCHETS, but the only weapons he can find are useless parallel bars that remind him he’s a gymnast, not a highly trained government operative. Still, conversations like this probably occurred:
“Uh, Boss- shouldn’t we destroy the Pummel Horse in the Mad
City? Cabot might use it...”
“Nonsense. No one could ever use a Pummel Horse to kill ninjas.
We’re going to leave it there, to mock him and his girly
sport.”
And about that damned Pummel Horse.... The Pummel Horse Fight Scene is without a doubt the most hilarious scene in the movie, and words really fail to describe how silly it is. The scene is edited so badly Cabot will knock out the same ninja twice, when the same frames are rebooted within seconds of each other. It’s like Cabot can travel back in time so he can live out an instant replay of his favorite kills. You remember the girl who twisted her ankle yet still managed to make a perfect landing and win a gold medal? Imagine if a Kobra Kai bully charged her right after that and she crane-kicked his head off. That’s the Pummel Horse Scene. I really can’t do this scene justice, it has to be watched. It’s on youtube, so look it up one day when you want a great laugh.
Cabot wins the game, with the help of his father who died in the credits. Cabot himself has to remind us this is his father, when the dramatic reveal doesn’t quite work. We only see the father for about five minutes at the beginning of the movie, and given all the ridiculousness that’s gone on until we see him again, you'll have long forgotten about him and his meaningless death. Cabot doesn’t recognize him, tries to figure out what the twist is about, then remembers his lines and announces, with the same doubt you have yourself, “Father?”
After Cabot’s father dies AGAIN, and again appears with an obscure revival, Cabot rides into town victorious. And because by now the drugs have worn off and everyone just wants the movie to end, there’s a subtitled summary of the ensuing events you never cared about because Gymkata didn’t either. So, when in Rome: He gets his favor, and gets the satellite I guess, and the princess.