Mississippi Trashiness Part One
I’ve lived in Mississippi most of my life. Over this past year it has become increasingly stressful to live here: the amount of stress I would attribute to a day-care worker babysitting a hoard of cocaine riddled rug rats. The amount of ignorance, rudeness and outright trashiness I deal with on a day-to-day basis would make even Mr. Rodgers cranky.
So, in an attempt to get this out of my system, I’ll be highlighting a few of the things about Mississippi and Southern Culture in general that irritate the shit out of me. I really believe my readers are better people than the ones I describe, so I’m not writing this for any self-help angle that might justify it morally. Whatever target audience might learn something from this would have already stopped reading by now.
A better writer than me once defined satire as a gallery of caricatures the reader delights in laughing at because within it he does not recognize himself. So amidst this over-political bitching pot that is America, let’s take a second and just laugh... even if, God forbid, we might be laughing at ourselves.
(Note: Although I will deal with a certain hypocritical variety of Christianity, this does not mean I’m anti-Christian. It just happens that Christianity is so dominant in Mississippi that any crass behavior will use it as an excuse for such.)
Please, dont: Communicate with Your Compensation.
I was coming out of a gas station one day when something so bizarre happened I started composing this rant in my head immediately afterwards. As I stepped outside a truck let loose a Spartan war growl somewhere stage left, initially leading me to conclude there was a Decepticon afoot broadcasting it’s mating call to a nearby John Deere lawn mower. The call was answered by another truck in front of me, which led to a damn conversation of revving engines the equivalent of which must exist on some porn site specifying in a fetish for Ford trucks and their ever so erotic “purrs”. The subtext was an obvious case of sexual jealousy: as the rule for compensation goes that the bigger and louder the compensation, the smaller the one being compensated, I concluded that these men where in fact having a pissing contest over who had the smallest penis and who was the most insecure about it.
There are also people who think the F sharp of their car horn can phonetically signify a statement other than “I’m a trashy asshole”, that in fact the car horn is universal translator. While some express their monosyllabic inner thoughts with grunts or body odor, others use said horn to communicate everything from “You taking too long to change wench” to “Ke$ha is the greatest artist of my generation and I want to sing along with the only instrument within my talent to play”.
Please, dont: Use The Fake Jesus Tip.
Christian propaganda pamphlets, especially those of the Jack Chick “Dungeons and Dragons will send you straight to hell” variety, are often entertaining works of unconscious art. However some proselytizers, believing a comic book too childish, propagate their message with fake money instead. Often the 20$, 50$, sometimes even 100$ bills only contain a bible verse or two, making their comic book counterparts look industrious by comparison. I don’t know if the people who use this counterfeit currency are aware of just how rude their substitute for compassionate confrontation is, but they need to be. The fake Jesus money is one of the worst examples of human behavior I’ve come upon, and here’s why. (Note, this is a rant from the Christian point of view, as this behavior should offend Christians more than
anyone else).
First, I’m pretty sure everyone in America save the wild children from Mama know exactly who Jesus is and what he stands for. Projecting your own ignorance of Jesus and his morality onto others in order to slip them a hint is not only rude, it’s an indication of just how little you think of your own faith and focus on the supposed lack of it in others.
Second, the deception is reprehensible. To fool someone into thinking you’ve given them money, only to discover later that you only gave them a bible verse dressed in greed, won't win you any favors. You’re probably only going to piss them off. The Chick comics are hateful and condescending, but at least they’re honest. I also suspect that at heart these fake bills are a clandestine attempt to make the recipient feel guilty for desiring money in a money-driven world, which unless the person passing them out has found a way to live without money, smacks of a moral superiority both arrogant and hypocritical.
Third, most often these bills are used in a tipping scenario- restaurants, hair salons, etc... By giving someone a fake tip, you acknowledge that you are aware you should be tipping, you just don’t care to and would rather use your church as a crutch to save money. Jobs that involve tips are often stressful and underpaid, so unless the person you “tip” is a high school kid, giving your waitress a fake Jesus bill is profoundly inconsiderate of their needs. Not even Mr. Pink handed out fake Jesus money. People don’t suffer other people’s shit at restaurants because they’re masochists: they have bills, obligations and stomachs to feed. Ignoring these needs by handing out a tired message to indulge in self-righteousness while ignoring the basic compassion that would make one righteous is the mark of someone who lives in a spiritual garbage can. And if you’ve ever given one of these bills to a homeless person, I don’t think God will have much mercy on your soul.
Lastly, it’s just lazy. Evangelist Kirk Cameron once talked for hours with two homeless kids about his faith, instead of offering them food or shelter. But at least Cameron had the decency to take the time out of his day to actually get to know them, at least he put forth a token effort of witnessing. If your lazy attempts at witnessing are making Kirk Cameron look good, you might want to search your own soul before trying to improve someone else’s.
So, in an attempt to get this out of my system, I’ll be highlighting a few of the things about Mississippi and Southern Culture in general that irritate the shit out of me. I really believe my readers are better people than the ones I describe, so I’m not writing this for any self-help angle that might justify it morally. Whatever target audience might learn something from this would have already stopped reading by now.
A better writer than me once defined satire as a gallery of caricatures the reader delights in laughing at because within it he does not recognize himself. So amidst this over-political bitching pot that is America, let’s take a second and just laugh... even if, God forbid, we might be laughing at ourselves.
(Note: Although I will deal with a certain hypocritical variety of Christianity, this does not mean I’m anti-Christian. It just happens that Christianity is so dominant in Mississippi that any crass behavior will use it as an excuse for such.)
Please, dont: Communicate with Your Compensation.
I was coming out of a gas station one day when something so bizarre happened I started composing this rant in my head immediately afterwards. As I stepped outside a truck let loose a Spartan war growl somewhere stage left, initially leading me to conclude there was a Decepticon afoot broadcasting it’s mating call to a nearby John Deere lawn mower. The call was answered by another truck in front of me, which led to a damn conversation of revving engines the equivalent of which must exist on some porn site specifying in a fetish for Ford trucks and their ever so erotic “purrs”. The subtext was an obvious case of sexual jealousy: as the rule for compensation goes that the bigger and louder the compensation, the smaller the one being compensated, I concluded that these men where in fact having a pissing contest over who had the smallest penis and who was the most insecure about it.
There are also people who think the F sharp of their car horn can phonetically signify a statement other than “I’m a trashy asshole”, that in fact the car horn is universal translator. While some express their monosyllabic inner thoughts with grunts or body odor, others use said horn to communicate everything from “You taking too long to change wench” to “Ke$ha is the greatest artist of my generation and I want to sing along with the only instrument within my talent to play”.
Please, dont: Use The Fake Jesus Tip.
Christian propaganda pamphlets, especially those of the Jack Chick “Dungeons and Dragons will send you straight to hell” variety, are often entertaining works of unconscious art. However some proselytizers, believing a comic book too childish, propagate their message with fake money instead. Often the 20$, 50$, sometimes even 100$ bills only contain a bible verse or two, making their comic book counterparts look industrious by comparison. I don’t know if the people who use this counterfeit currency are aware of just how rude their substitute for compassionate confrontation is, but they need to be. The fake Jesus money is one of the worst examples of human behavior I’ve come upon, and here’s why. (Note, this is a rant from the Christian point of view, as this behavior should offend Christians more than
anyone else).
First, I’m pretty sure everyone in America save the wild children from Mama know exactly who Jesus is and what he stands for. Projecting your own ignorance of Jesus and his morality onto others in order to slip them a hint is not only rude, it’s an indication of just how little you think of your own faith and focus on the supposed lack of it in others.
Second, the deception is reprehensible. To fool someone into thinking you’ve given them money, only to discover later that you only gave them a bible verse dressed in greed, won't win you any favors. You’re probably only going to piss them off. The Chick comics are hateful and condescending, but at least they’re honest. I also suspect that at heart these fake bills are a clandestine attempt to make the recipient feel guilty for desiring money in a money-driven world, which unless the person passing them out has found a way to live without money, smacks of a moral superiority both arrogant and hypocritical.
Third, most often these bills are used in a tipping scenario- restaurants, hair salons, etc... By giving someone a fake tip, you acknowledge that you are aware you should be tipping, you just don’t care to and would rather use your church as a crutch to save money. Jobs that involve tips are often stressful and underpaid, so unless the person you “tip” is a high school kid, giving your waitress a fake Jesus bill is profoundly inconsiderate of their needs. Not even Mr. Pink handed out fake Jesus money. People don’t suffer other people’s shit at restaurants because they’re masochists: they have bills, obligations and stomachs to feed. Ignoring these needs by handing out a tired message to indulge in self-righteousness while ignoring the basic compassion that would make one righteous is the mark of someone who lives in a spiritual garbage can. And if you’ve ever given one of these bills to a homeless person, I don’t think God will have much mercy on your soul.
Lastly, it’s just lazy. Evangelist Kirk Cameron once talked for hours with two homeless kids about his faith, instead of offering them food or shelter. But at least Cameron had the decency to take the time out of his day to actually get to know them, at least he put forth a token effort of witnessing. If your lazy attempts at witnessing are making Kirk Cameron look good, you might want to search your own soul before trying to improve someone else’s.