6 Cannibal Corpse Songs that should have been Horror Movies.
The members of Cannibal Corpse truly missed their calling. While the value of their music is debatable, the names they give their songs are certainly hilarious (intentionally or not). Each member of this band should have forsaken his instrument and took up a career in some aspect of movie making.
When we have blockbuster horror films named Saw and Hostel, or simply Hatchet when you really want to get your point across, it seems naming a movie is now as unimportant as all the other things Hollywood ignores (like originality...) The titles to most Cannibal Corpse songs are a good enough premise alone for a new horror movie waiting to be made. I’d ask Hollywood to stop before it reboots something with zombies or vampires in it to look at these songs, but I’m afraid no one would listen...
Note: I haven’t heard these songs, nor probably ever will. I know nothing of their lyrical content. I’m just writing off the top of my head here, so if the “plot” of the song matches what I come up with, it’s purely coincidental.
The Cryptic Stench.
I was pretty sure I knew what “cryptic” meant, but I looked it up again anyway when I came upon this puzzling song. How can a stench have a secret or hidden meaning? If it’s self-aware, duh... Imagine a full length feature film about a stench with mysterious origins floating around killing people for equally mysterious motives. The stench is so bad it gives people heart attacks, and it is of course that odious green you see on Looney Tunes- so you know where it is, if not what it’s up to. Larry the Cable Guy’s plumber is sent to fight the stench, having built up an immunity to bad smells through his long career. What is the stench and where did it come from? That’s why it’s cryptic!
She was asking for it.
I don’t know what “it” is, but in Cannibal Corpse thematics I’m sure it involves torture and stops (hopefully) with murder. This title is funny to me because it immediately gave me the idea of a cranky curmudgeon who treats the world at large like so many turds stinking up her punch bowl. Her bad manners and evil deeds eventually catch up with her as the town rises en masse to put an end to her humbugging forever. Then it can proceed to a trial drama somewhere along the lines of A Time To Kill, with quotes from Crime and Punishment thrown in to give it some snobby spice. (Note: I do not in any way condone violence towards women nor think it’s funny. No one seems to mind that Lifetime can exist solely by exploiting the damsel in domestic abuse trope, so maybe Lifetime could make it, and then it’d be “safe”.)
Blowtorch Slaughter.
I’ve seen more slasher films than any mortal ever should, but I’ve never seen one where a blow-torch was the weapon of choice. How our imaginary villain would even have the means to acquire one is a good question, but “blowtorch” could be used in a broader sense and apply to a Super-Soaker 5000 a disgruntled toy maker rigs into a human death machine. Burn baby burn.
Coffinfeeder.
A casket that eats people and has to be fed Little Shop of Horrors style by a wimpy mortician. You can try, but there’s nothing campier than that. The mortician tries to put a stop to the coffin by, naturally, burying it, but the coffin returns when it gets dug up by some opportunistic grave robbers, which it subsequently ate. The coffin can even talk like the toilet on Look Who’s Talking Too, in a raspy Batman voice: “I want some MEAT!” The coffin gives the mortician wealth and women for his efforts, until it’s ultimately killed by- you guessed it-cremation. There’s every possibility for a sequel though, because it had little coffin babies.
Brain Removal Device.
A mad scientist wants brains, and so badly that he invented a device to get them, he just couldn’t invent a better name. I like to think the device could be something like a plunger, but that’s just me. Imagine the look on your spouse’s face when he/she asks “Honey, what did you rent tonight?” “Oh I got a good one: Brain Removal Device. It has Adam Sandler in it.” As long as it’s understood that it’s the device, not it’s inventor, that is the protagonist in this tale I think it’d be hard to mess up. The device falls into the hands of various people who want brains for various reasons before the batteries run out and the movie ends. Perfect.
Skull Fragment Armor.
I see a barbaric serial murderer akin to those Vikings on Capital One commercials, sporting a skull fragment bikini and driving around, delivering pizzas as his smokescreen. It’s funny to me because I don’t think a skull would make a good substitute for Teflon. In order to make a full body armor suit our villain has to kill a lot of people: they’re fragments, not complete skulls. Which suggests he isn’t very good at killing people in a way that doesn’t shatter their skulls- the one thing he wants- like those beer glasses on that old PSA so enthusiastically toasted they leave all the beer on the floor and force the drinker to drive home sober. With his body armor finally fashioned, our villain can now kill unimpaired, until he finds out his skull armor isn’t so effective in the 20th century and he gets gunned down Cabin Fever style. End credits.