Punching Nazi "Very un-Napoleon-type thing to do"
In a recent interview with The Contemporary, the poet-philosopher and ex-student radical Raskolnikov admitted that punching a Nazi was “a very un-Napoleon-type thing to do”. He had said beforehand that, given the Tsarist state of affairs and such and such, he was bound, nay, compelled, to take up brass knuckles and punch a Nazi -- who later turned out to be merely a Republican, merely -- as it were -- a moderate Democrat across the face with great grievous harm and indifference to life. After a sentence to ten years hard labor and the on-again-off-again love of a whore, Sonya, Raskolinikov has returned to give his advice on political violence. Ergo:'I mean, I like thought that why should I, an impoverished student in debt with egregious student loans, not shrink at punching a Nazi, with brass knuckles clear across the face. A worthless, race-mongering Nazi, whose money-bag I could take and use to give health care to many, and thus serve the greater good.” So far at least stands Raskolnikov's initial justifications, but after a year in Siberia, he offers now the following tract to his fellow intellectuals:
Some Things You Should Know Before Punching a Nazi
I’ve noticed a new bandwagon on the internet: Nazi punching. And so this is a “thing” now, or at least bragging about a desire and commitment to punching Nazis is a thing, between which there is a vast difference. A world of a difference. But first:
An Unfortunately Necessary Disclaimer:
I do not support Nazis in any way, nor do I condone violence. Nazis are evil. That’s a truth so universally recognized it hardly needs comment. I also do not approve or applaud violence against anyone, no matter their political beliefs.
So, back to it.
First, to make this as least offensive as possible, let’s imagine a hypothetical Nazi Puncher. We’ll call him Convict 224467, as he or she will be formerly known post-Nazi punch.
The legality of punching a Nazi is indisputable. Unless the Nazi is openly calling for violence or engaging in a felony, punching him or her is illegal; and, depending on where Convict 224467 lives and how he or she attacks a Nazi, either a misdemeanor or a felony. That’s a scary word, isn’t it? Felony. It’s a serious word for serious matters, and unless Convict 224467 doesn’t take punching people seriously, it needs be discussed. Let’s talk a bit about a felony before we get to all the other fun stuff.
A felony never goes away. It will follow Convict 224467 on dating websites, where people are keen on doing background searches – some, ironically, to filter out Nazis. It will follow him or her to Walmart when he or she tries to get a job there, because unless Convict 224467 is an exceptionally lucky Child of God, Convict 224467 won’t have the same job when Convict 224467 gets out of jail that Convict 224467 had when he or she went in. (Jail is another topic: we’ll get to that). Lastly, and the most fun: Convict 224467 can’t vote, own a firearm, hold public office, or get licensed in a profession. Employers are particularly curious to know if Convict 224467 is a felon, especially a violent one, which, if Convict 224467 punched a Nazi – Convict 224467 is.
But enough about felonies. Convict 224467 might decide merely to love-tap a Nazi. That’s a misdemeanor, which varies from state to state with the fine Convict 224467 will pay and the time he or she will do. Convict 224467 might only pay a small fee; Convict 224467 might pay a large one and spend up to a year in jail (I’m going to explain what jail is, I promise). And Convict 224467 will have an arrest record. That also looks bad on an application, and the employer he or she has now might not share Convict 224467’s chivalrous view of Nazi-punching.
By the way, Convict 224467’s arrest record won’t say “One Count of Noble Nazi Punching”.
It will say “One Count of Simple Assault.” Most employers and potential girlfriend-boyfriends stop at that, but if Convict 224467’s rhetorical skills are exceptional, he or she might be able to explain the finesse of Nazi-punching to an extent that will convince an employer that Nazi punching is a sublime enterprise and that Convict 224467 isn’t a dangerous career criminal who might punch anyone else given little or no provocation.
I
t’s hard to ask for a second chance when Convict 224467isn’t convinced assaulting someone is a crime in the first place. Maybe Aristotle has something to say about that in his Rhetorica.
Let’s imagine our hypothetical Nazi-puncher says to him or herself “I’ll get away with punching a Nazi. No one will defend him”. Our hypothetical Nazi-puncher is probably wrong, even if he or she can make the transition from ordinary civilian to Master Criminal in a short time. Especially if someone makes a video of Convict 224467 punching a Nazi and posts it on Facebook, where it gets a million likes and draws the attention of the police. The police, by the way, do not share Convict 224467’s vigilante stance on Nazi-punching. And it would be very ill-advised indeed for Convict 224467 to punch a police officer. In fact, while we’re on that topic, if Convict 224467encounters the police at any time in his or her Nazi-punching career, Convict 224467 should do what they tell him or her to do. Once Convict 224467 has punched a Nazi, the time to pout has passed. The police are serious.
If, however, merely punching a Nazi isn’t good enough, and Convict 224467 uses a weapon – brass knuckles, a baseball bat – that’s a felony. An aggravated assault charge, to be technical, which is a fancy way of saying attempted murder. That’s actually a polite way of saying Convict 224467 now has a shiny Golden Ticket to prison for the next ten to twenty years. And they probably won’t let Convict 224467 out early with Good Time – that’s time without fighting, which, since Convict 224467 punched a Nazi, is a Problem – and Convict 224467 can’t be a Trustee, so no Outside Work, and since this is a Violent Felony, Convict 224467 gets housed with other Violent Felons who – I am very comfortable saying this – do not share Convict 224467’s highfalutin morals.
Not.
One.
Suppose, however, Convict 224467 lucks out: the prosecutor over his or her case is a nice guy. He or she will probably still do some time – I would guess at least two years, unless he or she is miraculously lucky – and, even so, even given a prosecutor with a Heart of Gold, he or she is still going to be on probation for ten to twenty years. That means no drinking, drugs, late nights, hanging out with felons (i.e. other Nazi-punchers) and probably, likely, court-ordered anger management classes and therapy – which Convict 224467 have to pay for, working at Walmart – if Convict 224467 is lucky. And the police can enter Convict 224467’s house and search whenever and whatever they want, for no reason and at any time.
Bummer.
So that’s the legal prospects of being a comic-book hero in the real world. Now I’m going to discuss the Practical Aspects of Nazi-punching, which is a whole other level of baby-fun time.
First, a series of important precautions in the form of questions: who is this Nazi Convict 224467 is going to punch? Is he a solitary soul, passing around propaganda on the street – or does he have friends? Is he armed? Are his friends armed? Are they experienced fighters? Has Convict 224467 ever been in a fight?
The fourth and fifth questions are the most important. Let’s pretend that our hypothetical Nazi is armed, not to mention his buddies, who are probably armed too – and practice. I can’t overstress how fond Nazis are of practicing. They have practical reasons for doing this; they anticipate violence. So, unless the Nazi Convict 224467 punches is rock stupid, he’s probably practiced fighting if he hasn’t been in many fights already, and might be able to take unphased whatever punch Convict 224467 is capable of giving him.
It’s most likely that a Nazi is armed and experienced with fighting, in fact itching for a fight and having planned out ahead of time – on account of the Nazi-punching publicity – what he’s going to do should he see someone wearing a black hoodie with a red bandana approaching him.
Now let’s pretend that fighting in the real world is somewhat similar to the fantasy of fighting Convict 224467 has cooked up in his or her head. Convict 224467 rolls a successful initiative, but his fumbles his attack roll and not only misses the Nazi entirely, but draws the attention of the police, who have amazing modifiers and stun guns. Convict 224467 is subdued and goes to jail. And finally I’m going to talk about jail and separate the men from the boys when it comes to Nazi-punching.
Punching one Nazi leads to punching more Nazis because --- oh my! – jails are full of Nazis. And Convict 224467 doesn’t even have to tell the other inmates that he or she punched a Nazi: they know; it’s on TV! Convict 224467 is Famous. And Famous in jail, particularly for Nazi-punching, is a mixed blessing. I would not count on allies among inmates. They have their own Problems.
But jail, even without the Nazis, sucks. The food ain’t too good. And jail is cold. All the time. Convict 224467 only gets to see whoever visits him or her an hour a week. Convict 224467 only gets to go out in the sunshine an hour a day. Convict 224467 might be able to read; maybe not. Even using the bathroom is a Complicated Act. There’s a Piss toilet and a Shit toilet, and if Convict 224467 mistakes one for the other or smears the distinction, people take offence. They might not let Convict 224467watch his or her favorite show anymore.
Oh yeah. Inmates love soap operas, so Convict 224467 should develop a taste for them ahead of time.
Convict 224467 is under surveillance all the time. The guards can come in, and will, at any time and make a shit-ass mess of what little he or she owns. This is called a Shake Down, and its best for Convict 224467 to get as quickly used to them as possible, because Convict 224467 isn’t going anywhere. No music either, except what’s on TV. And, unless Convict 224467’s local news doesn’t care to sensationalize his or her Nazi-punching – which I wouldn’t count on – Convict 224467 will be on the news fairly often, and he or she should expect the news to be on a lot.
And so all this, in greater or lesser degrees, is what awaits Convict 224467 on his or her Nazi-punching journey. It’s not that attractive to me, and if it isn’t to you, relax: there are options. You can engage a Nazi not with punches, but rhetoric. Debate and defeat his ideas with logic and evidence. Perhaps persuade him, or maybe persuade those listening to him. Confront him as a nonviolent adult in a civilized society.
Punching a Nazi isn’t equivalent to refusing to go to the back of the bus. It’s trashy, unpersuasive, immature, and dangerous. Should a Fourth Reich rise to be a significant problem, I’ll protest in the streets right along with you. Should hate crimes rise to a frequency where the rights and lives of minorities are threatened, I’ll be right along with you defending them.
But that time is not yet.
Raskolnikov was not available for further elaboration.
In a recent interview with The Contemporary, the poet-philosopher and ex-student radical Raskolnikov admitted that punching a Nazi was “a very un-Napoleon-type thing to do”. He had said beforehand that, given the Tsarist state of affairs and such and such, he was bound, nay, compelled, to take up brass knuckles and punch a Nazi -- who later turned out to be merely a Republican, merely -- as it were -- a moderate Democrat across the face with great grievous harm and indifference to life. After a sentence to ten years hard labor and the on-again-off-again love of a whore, Sonya, Raskolinikov has returned to give his advice on political violence. Ergo:'I mean, I like thought that why should I, an impoverished student in debt with egregious student loans, not shrink at punching a Nazi, with brass knuckles clear across the face. A worthless, race-mongering Nazi, whose money-bag I could take and use to give health care to many, and thus serve the greater good.” So far at least stands Raskolnikov's initial justifications, but after a year in Siberia, he offers now the following tract to his fellow intellectuals:
Some Things You Should Know Before Punching a Nazi
I’ve noticed a new bandwagon on the internet: Nazi punching. And so this is a “thing” now, or at least bragging about a desire and commitment to punching Nazis is a thing, between which there is a vast difference. A world of a difference. But first:
An Unfortunately Necessary Disclaimer:
I do not support Nazis in any way, nor do I condone violence. Nazis are evil. That’s a truth so universally recognized it hardly needs comment. I also do not approve or applaud violence against anyone, no matter their political beliefs.
So, back to it.
First, to make this as least offensive as possible, let’s imagine a hypothetical Nazi Puncher. We’ll call him Convict 224467, as he or she will be formerly known post-Nazi punch.
The legality of punching a Nazi is indisputable. Unless the Nazi is openly calling for violence or engaging in a felony, punching him or her is illegal; and, depending on where Convict 224467 lives and how he or she attacks a Nazi, either a misdemeanor or a felony. That’s a scary word, isn’t it? Felony. It’s a serious word for serious matters, and unless Convict 224467 doesn’t take punching people seriously, it needs be discussed. Let’s talk a bit about a felony before we get to all the other fun stuff.
A felony never goes away. It will follow Convict 224467 on dating websites, where people are keen on doing background searches – some, ironically, to filter out Nazis. It will follow him or her to Walmart when he or she tries to get a job there, because unless Convict 224467 is an exceptionally lucky Child of God, Convict 224467 won’t have the same job when Convict 224467 gets out of jail that Convict 224467 had when he or she went in. (Jail is another topic: we’ll get to that). Lastly, and the most fun: Convict 224467 can’t vote, own a firearm, hold public office, or get licensed in a profession. Employers are particularly curious to know if Convict 224467 is a felon, especially a violent one, which, if Convict 224467 punched a Nazi – Convict 224467 is.
But enough about felonies. Convict 224467 might decide merely to love-tap a Nazi. That’s a misdemeanor, which varies from state to state with the fine Convict 224467 will pay and the time he or she will do. Convict 224467 might only pay a small fee; Convict 224467 might pay a large one and spend up to a year in jail (I’m going to explain what jail is, I promise). And Convict 224467 will have an arrest record. That also looks bad on an application, and the employer he or she has now might not share Convict 224467’s chivalrous view of Nazi-punching.
By the way, Convict 224467’s arrest record won’t say “One Count of Noble Nazi Punching”.
It will say “One Count of Simple Assault.” Most employers and potential girlfriend-boyfriends stop at that, but if Convict 224467’s rhetorical skills are exceptional, he or she might be able to explain the finesse of Nazi-punching to an extent that will convince an employer that Nazi punching is a sublime enterprise and that Convict 224467 isn’t a dangerous career criminal who might punch anyone else given little or no provocation.
I
t’s hard to ask for a second chance when Convict 224467isn’t convinced assaulting someone is a crime in the first place. Maybe Aristotle has something to say about that in his Rhetorica.
Let’s imagine our hypothetical Nazi-puncher says to him or herself “I’ll get away with punching a Nazi. No one will defend him”. Our hypothetical Nazi-puncher is probably wrong, even if he or she can make the transition from ordinary civilian to Master Criminal in a short time. Especially if someone makes a video of Convict 224467 punching a Nazi and posts it on Facebook, where it gets a million likes and draws the attention of the police. The police, by the way, do not share Convict 224467’s vigilante stance on Nazi-punching. And it would be very ill-advised indeed for Convict 224467 to punch a police officer. In fact, while we’re on that topic, if Convict 224467encounters the police at any time in his or her Nazi-punching career, Convict 224467 should do what they tell him or her to do. Once Convict 224467 has punched a Nazi, the time to pout has passed. The police are serious.
If, however, merely punching a Nazi isn’t good enough, and Convict 224467 uses a weapon – brass knuckles, a baseball bat – that’s a felony. An aggravated assault charge, to be technical, which is a fancy way of saying attempted murder. That’s actually a polite way of saying Convict 224467 now has a shiny Golden Ticket to prison for the next ten to twenty years. And they probably won’t let Convict 224467 out early with Good Time – that’s time without fighting, which, since Convict 224467 punched a Nazi, is a Problem – and Convict 224467 can’t be a Trustee, so no Outside Work, and since this is a Violent Felony, Convict 224467 gets housed with other Violent Felons who – I am very comfortable saying this – do not share Convict 224467’s highfalutin morals.
Not.
One.
Suppose, however, Convict 224467 lucks out: the prosecutor over his or her case is a nice guy. He or she will probably still do some time – I would guess at least two years, unless he or she is miraculously lucky – and, even so, even given a prosecutor with a Heart of Gold, he or she is still going to be on probation for ten to twenty years. That means no drinking, drugs, late nights, hanging out with felons (i.e. other Nazi-punchers) and probably, likely, court-ordered anger management classes and therapy – which Convict 224467 have to pay for, working at Walmart – if Convict 224467 is lucky. And the police can enter Convict 224467’s house and search whenever and whatever they want, for no reason and at any time.
Bummer.
So that’s the legal prospects of being a comic-book hero in the real world. Now I’m going to discuss the Practical Aspects of Nazi-punching, which is a whole other level of baby-fun time.
First, a series of important precautions in the form of questions: who is this Nazi Convict 224467 is going to punch? Is he a solitary soul, passing around propaganda on the street – or does he have friends? Is he armed? Are his friends armed? Are they experienced fighters? Has Convict 224467 ever been in a fight?
The fourth and fifth questions are the most important. Let’s pretend that our hypothetical Nazi is armed, not to mention his buddies, who are probably armed too – and practice. I can’t overstress how fond Nazis are of practicing. They have practical reasons for doing this; they anticipate violence. So, unless the Nazi Convict 224467 punches is rock stupid, he’s probably practiced fighting if he hasn’t been in many fights already, and might be able to take unphased whatever punch Convict 224467 is capable of giving him.
It’s most likely that a Nazi is armed and experienced with fighting, in fact itching for a fight and having planned out ahead of time – on account of the Nazi-punching publicity – what he’s going to do should he see someone wearing a black hoodie with a red bandana approaching him.
Now let’s pretend that fighting in the real world is somewhat similar to the fantasy of fighting Convict 224467 has cooked up in his or her head. Convict 224467 rolls a successful initiative, but his fumbles his attack roll and not only misses the Nazi entirely, but draws the attention of the police, who have amazing modifiers and stun guns. Convict 224467 is subdued and goes to jail. And finally I’m going to talk about jail and separate the men from the boys when it comes to Nazi-punching.
Punching one Nazi leads to punching more Nazis because --- oh my! – jails are full of Nazis. And Convict 224467 doesn’t even have to tell the other inmates that he or she punched a Nazi: they know; it’s on TV! Convict 224467 is Famous. And Famous in jail, particularly for Nazi-punching, is a mixed blessing. I would not count on allies among inmates. They have their own Problems.
But jail, even without the Nazis, sucks. The food ain’t too good. And jail is cold. All the time. Convict 224467 only gets to see whoever visits him or her an hour a week. Convict 224467 only gets to go out in the sunshine an hour a day. Convict 224467 might be able to read; maybe not. Even using the bathroom is a Complicated Act. There’s a Piss toilet and a Shit toilet, and if Convict 224467 mistakes one for the other or smears the distinction, people take offence. They might not let Convict 224467watch his or her favorite show anymore.
Oh yeah. Inmates love soap operas, so Convict 224467 should develop a taste for them ahead of time.
Convict 224467 is under surveillance all the time. The guards can come in, and will, at any time and make a shit-ass mess of what little he or she owns. This is called a Shake Down, and its best for Convict 224467 to get as quickly used to them as possible, because Convict 224467 isn’t going anywhere. No music either, except what’s on TV. And, unless Convict 224467’s local news doesn’t care to sensationalize his or her Nazi-punching – which I wouldn’t count on – Convict 224467 will be on the news fairly often, and he or she should expect the news to be on a lot.
And so all this, in greater or lesser degrees, is what awaits Convict 224467 on his or her Nazi-punching journey. It’s not that attractive to me, and if it isn’t to you, relax: there are options. You can engage a Nazi not with punches, but rhetoric. Debate and defeat his ideas with logic and evidence. Perhaps persuade him, or maybe persuade those listening to him. Confront him as a nonviolent adult in a civilized society.
Punching a Nazi isn’t equivalent to refusing to go to the back of the bus. It’s trashy, unpersuasive, immature, and dangerous. Should a Fourth Reich rise to be a significant problem, I’ll protest in the streets right along with you. Should hate crimes rise to a frequency where the rights and lives of minorities are threatened, I’ll be right along with you defending them.
But that time is not yet.
Raskolnikov was not available for further elaboration.