Evilspeak
Evilspeak is the sort of movie that could have been made only in the 1980s. It’s lame and insane and infinitely entertaining in every way a bad movie should be. From premise to execution to finished product, Evilspeak should not exist. That someone had enough confidence in it to see it through is unbelievable, but that it hasn’t been lost in the transition from VHS to DVD is more remarkable still.
What is so uniquely bad about this movie?
Well, take the premise. Clint Howard, who you probably know as the Ice Cream Man, plays a geeky kid at a military academy whose bullied by older boys. He uses a computer to sell his soul to Satan, which gives him dark magics and a claymore that he uses to smite the bullies. It’s half Carrie, half Trick or Treat, all stupid and gloriously bad.
But let’s delve further, shall we?
The movie opens with an execution of a Satanic priest and his bottom bitch, which features one of the most hilarious decapitations ever committed to film. The priest is named Father Esteban, who reminds me of that lame-ass dude who used to have long infomercials about guitar lessons late at night in the 90s. Esteban vows to return and have his revenge.
Later, we meet Clint Howard, who it must be said owns this movie in his own particular way. His character, Stanley Coppersmith, is an outcast who can’t get anything right. He’s picked on by both his older classmates as well as his teachers.
One day Coppersmith is assigned to clean the basement, where he finds an old spell book of Esteban’s that he uses a computer to translate, although he should already know Latin but he’s a fuck up about that too.
The movie then follows Coppersmith trying to get his spell book back through various scenes, one featuring a roller-rink and another a pig sty. He does some research on Satanism in the computer lab, which is again odd but I don’t suppose they had Occult books in the school library.
Coppersmith then attempts a black mass with his ancient computer, which doesn’t work because he needs blood and the consecrated host to complete the ritual. Coppersmith is so inept he’s having a time even selling his soul to Satan, which one would think would be rather easy, too easy actually – the whole point of selling one’s soul to Satan being a temptation, not a difficult task one has to go well out one’s way to accomplish.
After stealing the host from church, Coppersmith attempts the ritual again, only this time he’s beaten down by the bullies mid-ceremony. The majority of the second act is nothing more than Coppersmith trying to successfully sell his soul to Satan, which eventually he does – with hilarious results.
The bullies are all together at church – oddly – but Coppersmith crashes the mass with his claymore, hovering around with an look only Clint Howard can quite manage to give, and he smashes the priest’s head with an explosive blow that is right up there with the exploding heads in Chopping Mall and Maniac. Satanic boars appear and eat some of the bullies while Howard continues to float, apparently having some sort of Satanic orgasm.
The movie ends with a text crawl, written in real time, which explains that Coppersmith was the sole survivor of the massacre and went on to an insane asylum, where he remains to this day. So, win? I guess?
Evilspeak is virtually a forgotten movie, but deserves to be re-discovered. It’s on the same level as Birdemic and the Happening as far as enjoyable badness, except Evilspeak is self-aware enough to know its bad and indulges in it pleasantly. Clint Howard has a great performance, as always, and the efforts he goes to for the ultimate pleasure of smashing that priest’s head seem well worth it in the end. You could say it’s a slow burn, except the burn at the end is comedic genius rather than the catharsis you’ll find in Carrie or Let the Right One In. It functions almost as a satire of “the worm turns” type movies, which have a bullied underdog who finally gets revenge. It’s the perfect movie to watch with friends and a lot of alcohol and have a good hoot.
I give it five stars.
Evilspeak is the sort of movie that could have been made only in the 1980s. It’s lame and insane and infinitely entertaining in every way a bad movie should be. From premise to execution to finished product, Evilspeak should not exist. That someone had enough confidence in it to see it through is unbelievable, but that it hasn’t been lost in the transition from VHS to DVD is more remarkable still.
What is so uniquely bad about this movie?
Well, take the premise. Clint Howard, who you probably know as the Ice Cream Man, plays a geeky kid at a military academy whose bullied by older boys. He uses a computer to sell his soul to Satan, which gives him dark magics and a claymore that he uses to smite the bullies. It’s half Carrie, half Trick or Treat, all stupid and gloriously bad.
But let’s delve further, shall we?
The movie opens with an execution of a Satanic priest and his bottom bitch, which features one of the most hilarious decapitations ever committed to film. The priest is named Father Esteban, who reminds me of that lame-ass dude who used to have long infomercials about guitar lessons late at night in the 90s. Esteban vows to return and have his revenge.
Later, we meet Clint Howard, who it must be said owns this movie in his own particular way. His character, Stanley Coppersmith, is an outcast who can’t get anything right. He’s picked on by both his older classmates as well as his teachers.
One day Coppersmith is assigned to clean the basement, where he finds an old spell book of Esteban’s that he uses a computer to translate, although he should already know Latin but he’s a fuck up about that too.
The movie then follows Coppersmith trying to get his spell book back through various scenes, one featuring a roller-rink and another a pig sty. He does some research on Satanism in the computer lab, which is again odd but I don’t suppose they had Occult books in the school library.
Coppersmith then attempts a black mass with his ancient computer, which doesn’t work because he needs blood and the consecrated host to complete the ritual. Coppersmith is so inept he’s having a time even selling his soul to Satan, which one would think would be rather easy, too easy actually – the whole point of selling one’s soul to Satan being a temptation, not a difficult task one has to go well out one’s way to accomplish.
After stealing the host from church, Coppersmith attempts the ritual again, only this time he’s beaten down by the bullies mid-ceremony. The majority of the second act is nothing more than Coppersmith trying to successfully sell his soul to Satan, which eventually he does – with hilarious results.
The bullies are all together at church – oddly – but Coppersmith crashes the mass with his claymore, hovering around with an look only Clint Howard can quite manage to give, and he smashes the priest’s head with an explosive blow that is right up there with the exploding heads in Chopping Mall and Maniac. Satanic boars appear and eat some of the bullies while Howard continues to float, apparently having some sort of Satanic orgasm.
The movie ends with a text crawl, written in real time, which explains that Coppersmith was the sole survivor of the massacre and went on to an insane asylum, where he remains to this day. So, win? I guess?
Evilspeak is virtually a forgotten movie, but deserves to be re-discovered. It’s on the same level as Birdemic and the Happening as far as enjoyable badness, except Evilspeak is self-aware enough to know its bad and indulges in it pleasantly. Clint Howard has a great performance, as always, and the efforts he goes to for the ultimate pleasure of smashing that priest’s head seem well worth it in the end. You could say it’s a slow burn, except the burn at the end is comedic genius rather than the catharsis you’ll find in Carrie or Let the Right One In. It functions almost as a satire of “the worm turns” type movies, which have a bullied underdog who finally gets revenge. It’s the perfect movie to watch with friends and a lot of alcohol and have a good hoot.
I give it five stars.