Halloween 5
In Halloween, Michael Myers was shot six times. Then he got up in Halloween II and killed some hospital employees for fun, failed to Laurie for a purpose, and was then exploded along with Loomis. He awoke from his coma in Halloween 4, killed another batch of idiots, again failed to kill his last remaining relative, and was then gunned down like Robocop and buried in a well. Yet all of that is nothing compared with what he will suffer in Halloween 5. Once again, this movie opens with the final moments of the previous film. After Michael is gunned down, a deputy throws a lit stick of dynamite into the cavern, which explodes but does not kill Michael, who crawls to a nearby river and floats downstream. He is too dim to realize this would go much better if he took off his mask. He goes to a shack at the river’s edge, where an elderly man lives with a parrot that starts quaking as Michael approaches. Michael tries to strangle him cannot manage to kill him and passes out on a bed nearby. Then there is a title card that says Halloween Eve, One Year Later. The movie is at a Children’s Clinic. Jamie is asleep inside, having a nightmare-flashback of the end of the previous movie. She wakes up screaming. A nurse comes in the room to soothe her. As the nurse hugs her, she moves her hand and Michael, asleep at the old man’s shack, does the same. Laurie, as far as the other movies showed, did not have this connection with Michael and it’s irritating that it’s being introduced now. Michael wakes up and Jamie bounces on the bed with wild eyes, as if she is seeing what Michael is seeing. As Michael sits up and puts on his mask, she writes “He’s coming” on a small chalk board. Michael kills the old man and Jamie has a seizure. Although this psychic connection is annoying, at least Jamie has to suffer from watching the same things I do. A team of paramedics come and take Jamie away on a stretcher. I am supposed to believe that Michael lived, lying on this old man’s only bed, for a year without food, or that the old man patiently fed him with no end in sight. The doctors and especially the nurse are even more melodramatic than Jamie is – almost going into hysterics as they wheel her down the hallway. It is not good to encourage her behavior even if she’s too occupied with a seizure to notice. And why is this nurse apparently smitten with Jamie? Jamie killed her foster mother, brutally, with a pair of scissors. The next day Loomis pays a visit to Jamie in her room, where Rachel – who has probably lost a lot of potential husbands and children on Jamie’s account by now – is sleeping on the side of her bed. As Jamie and Rachel speak softly, a friend of Rachel’s named Tina bangs on the window. Tina is not only the most annoying character in Halloween 5, she is also the most annoying of any character in the Halloween series – perhaps of any slasher movie, sequel or not. She lets a dog inside Jamie’s room that isn’t supposed to be there, and that will be the most rational thing she ever does. After Rachel tells Jamie that she’ll be back in two days, a rock comes through the window; there is note attached to the rock that says “The evil child must die”. Rachel wants to know from Loomis when “they” are going to realize that Jamie is not Michael. Loomis tells her that Jamie will be properly looked after at the Children’s hospital. Why is Jamie at a Children’s hospital that looks and operates like St. Jude’s Center for Children instead of St. Anger’s Juvenile Correction Center? Jamie is not in a cell; she is not on medication anyone has mentioned; she is not even in a room with bars on the window, which anyone can walk by and throw a rock through. Later Jamie is drawing and begins to have an episode with a pair of magic markers in her hand. I suppose she is allowed full magic-marker privileges like the other murderous children. Meanwhile, over at Rachel’s house, her dog Max barks at Michael as he comes in through a side door. I don’t believe Rachel or Jamie would still have dogs after Michael has killed every single dog in every Halloween movie he’s been in. The phone rings while Rachel is in the shower, which she personifies as the person calling and tells to “hold on” twice. When she answers the phone Loomis is on the other line, who asks her about Max. It would seem odd to anyone that Loomis would be calling with concerns about Max. And they are urgent concerns at that, as he tells her to go check on him, now, with a seriousness that might be moderated if Loomis knew Rachel is wet and wearing only a towel Rachel says all right, and when she goes downstairs she finds the door open and Max nowhere to be seen or heard. As she looks outside, Michael closes in on her, as if thinking to himself “Let’s see how long it takes her to figure this riddle out.” Rachel tries to pick up the phone in the kitchen, drops it on her foot, and then tells Loomis that Max is gone. Loomis tells her to drop the phone (again) and get out of the house. Rachel calls the police, who search the house and don’t find Michael, and then Max returns. Loomis comforts Jamie after this. Billy, a young boy also committed to the Children’s Hospital, angrily shakes Loomis off when he tries to take him out of the room and tries to comfort Jamie. Jamie angrily shrugs him off in turn. With Billy gone and Rachel ok, it’s time for Loomis to terrorize Jamie with a piece of paper for her to write down what she knows. He shouts and begs, but Jamie only cries salty tears and writes nothing. Based on what I’ve seen, the only thing she could tell him is that Michael is alive and well and trying, currently, to kill Rachel. Loomis could put this together on his own with a hunch that it’s Halloween; but on the other hand, he might still be stuck in Halloween 4 and believe Jamie is a killer. Meanwhile Rachel blow dries her hair. As she decides what to wear in the closet, Michael’s hand grabs the coat hanger rod, which proves he was hiding in the house and the police didn’t smell him since the last bath Michael had was when he floated down the river. She hears Max barking and walks down a hallway to a window. Something in Jamie’s room breaks, and she investigates. There is a smashed portrait of Jamie with blood on the glass. Michael comes out of a closet and stabs her with a pair of scissors in the shoulder, sending Jamie into another seizure over at the Children’s Hospital. If breaking the portrait of Jamie brought him any satisfaction, Michael has killed three birds with one stone. In the next scene some time has passed: Loomis is let into a prison or a mental institution, where he is complaining about Jamie’s fit. I suppose the movie is going to force me to assume Rachel is dead; I think that, after putting up with Tina and the two stalking sequences that could have been fused into one, I am owed a dead Rachel and not a presumed-dead-until-notified-otherwise Rachel. And while I’m discussing Rachel, whom I am more than willing to shrug off and pretend never existed if that’s what Halloween 5 wants to do – why did Michael kill her? She knows where Jamie is, whom Michael wants to kill unless he’s changed his mind about that, and even if Michael is not a fan of talking, he could have handed her a picture of Jamie and stabbed her repeatedly while pointing at the picture until Rachel told him where she is, and then killed her. That would have moved the plot along, given Jamie a much longer and more painful seizure, and given Rachel a much longer and more painful – and certain – death. Later Loomis is at the police station. He is arguing with the Sheriff about Michael coming back to kill again, and asks him if he remembers how many people Michael killed last year. I think the Sheriff remembers putting several bullets into Michael and then blowing him up, with the one particular murder of his daughter perhaps standing out above the others. That’s two Sheriff’s daughters Michael has killed to two relatives that he’s failed to. Loomis says that he prayed for Michael to burn in hell, yet knew in his heart that “hell would not have him”. Then a deputy tells the Sheriff “They want you down in the cemetery”. The next scene starts off badly with Tina running down the street to Rachel’s house, who I presume is still dead in the house. She rings the doorbell, and when Rachel doesn’t answer she grabs a key on the top of the door and goes inside. Michael watches her from further back in the house. She goes upstairs while eating a cheese puff looking for Rachel, and I hope to God she chokes on that cheese puff when she finds her. Then the doorbell rings. She opens the door; there is no one there; then she is startled by another girl who lets herself in. As they hold hands and squeal, Tina asks the other girl, a friend named Sammie, if she can believe “they have the whole house to themselves for the weekend?”. Tina does not know how true this is. I now realize how bad Rachel’s death is: with no other adult-aged female in the movie to take care of Jamie, this role will now default to Tina. Later Tina and Sammie discuss, as far as I can put together, the setting for a romantic evening they will have later. Tina’s boyfriend Mikey shows up driving a black muscle car and dressed like he’s in Grease. Tina and Sammie get in the car, and Jamie, still on her bed back at the Children’s Hospital, wakes up looking as if the past year has been a long, drunken debauch and she just now remembers killing her foster mother. She gets out of bed and limps around as if one leg fell into a deeper sleep than she did and doesn’t want to participate in her waking antics. She sees Michael standing outside by a tree with a knife in his hand, and because I saw him there as well when Tina and Sammie were babbling, that means Tina and Sammie were at the Children’s Hospital – which must be within walking distance from Rachel’s house. So unless Michael stole a car, Jamie has been placed in a no-security mental hospital within walking distance of the house where she killed her mother. Jamie goes downstairs and Michael’s shadow appears on the window on the front door. She tries to open several locked doors, then she runs into a boiler room with brick walls. She climbs up a chair and hides in a square cut out of the wall. As she hides, Michael walks up and grabs her ankles, then turns into a janitor that the movie is now going to pretend was the person following Jamie all along. Unfortunately, this puts the movie in a bad situation: either Jamie is insane and hallucinating, or Michael came into the hospital and followed her, then abruptly decided it wasn’t worth it and the janitor, passing him on his own pursuit, thought nothing of his presence there. As the janitor tries to calm Jamie down, she throws her arms around in a sign-language known only to herself and her fancies, and the janitor, perhaps remembering that he works for a Children’s Hospital, asks her what she’s doing down there as if there was a sign for that she could explain herself with. Then the nurse appears and gives her a piggy-back ride back to her room. Then Loomis comes in and slams the door with his back, demanding help. There is a cardboard-cutout of a jack-o-lantern on her door that either Jamie made during one of her fits, or that some insensitive soul put there to cause more. Loomis demands to know where Michael is and why Jamie won’t tell him anything. Loomis has usually been so certain about where Michael is, or at least where he’s going, that I have to wonder why he now doesn’t and thinks Jamie’s supposed psychic connection with Michael is a reliable authority. Loomis’s patience runs thin and he shoves her feeding tray aside in a great rage. He tells her to remember her stepmother and that Michael made Jamie stab her, which is a possibly more ludicrous idea than the psychic connection that allowed Michael to do it. I finally find out what happened in the cemetery: someone “dug up a coffin”, the “coffin of a nine-year-old girl” to be precise, and Loomis shouts at Jamie, just as the nurse appears in the background, “What do you think he’s going to do with that?” That is a good question, and one a qualified psychiatrist should not think has an obvious answer to a girl Jamie’s age. He then swaps horses and seems to imply that Michael dug up a grave for Jamie. Later a bus shows up at the same drug store where Jamie got her clown costume and Michael got his mask in Halloween 4. A man wearing black cowboy boots and a long black coat gets off the bus, following a cold trial indeed if his information has led him here. Loomis is at the Myer’s house, which is now dilapidated. He walks around inside asking for Michael, then tries to turn on the lights in the basement by flicking the switch with his gun, fully expecting the power to be on at the Myers house despite all appearances and the general disinclination of anyone to foot the bill. He opens the bottom of the laundry shoot and a dead rat pops out that fell in the shoot and died of starvation. Loomis laughs with childish glee at the dead rat, and if anyone in this series deserves a good laugh, it’s Loomis. Meanwhile Michael watches outside a school that Sammie and Tina come running out of, which quickly draws his attention away from them and further down the road. He sees Mikey waxing his car while it’s parked on the street. Mikey is startled by Tina, who pops out from behind the car with a Halloween mask. Tina must be on some street drugs and I’m looking forward to seeing her crash. As she and Mikey kiss inside the car another idiot comes out of a store dancing. He is Sammie’s boyfriend, or at least someone allowed to kiss Sammie that could be a number of boys but he happens to be the one Halloween 5 decided needs to die. Mikey and the new boy then start discussing a plan to get beer out of the store. Mikey threatens the other boy when he touches his car. The movie cuts back to Michael, who watches Mikey pull into the drug store backwards to load up the beer. They load the beer in the trunk and then Michael sneaks in the garage as Mikey checks his hair in the rearview mirror. Michael, who has now developed a sense of humor out of the blue, scrapes a hook down Mikey’s car that is sure to make him lose all control no matter how urgently his hair needed to be arranged. Mikey comes out of the car with a tire iron and confronts Michael after calling him an asshole. He must recognize the Captain Kirk mask and be aware of its implications, even if he doesn’t suspect that it is Michael Myers wearing it. He is about to swing at Michael, but Michael grabs his throat and gets a face out of him I’m sure Tina has seen before. Michael lifts the hook over his shoulder and Mikey is able to contort his face to indicate still deeper surprise and pain than was already there. He brings the hook down on Mikey’s forehead, who falls to the ground twitching. Mikey breathes his last and Michael drags him off screen. Later there is a Goblin Costume Pageant at the Children’s Hospital, complete with decorations, a sound system for music and announcements, and scores of half-pint patients running around. It is no surprise that Michael escaped so many years ago if this is how things went down at Smith’s Grove; I am only surprised he didn’t break out sooner and wearing a better costume. Jamie has opted to dress up like a Fairy Godmother this Halloween. You would think, considering her trauma associated with Halloween, which is the direct cause of her being in the Children’s Hospital at all, that not only would she refuse to dress up, she wouldn’t even want to be at the hospital while this Halloween celebration is going on – no matter what goblinesque euphemisms they want to call it. Billy gives her a bouquet of flowers he must have had someone pick up for him since I highly doubt they sell them at the hospital gift shop, even if Billy has cash to burn. The patients, or perhaps merely anyone who wants to participate regardless of their affiliation with the hospital, stand on the top of the stairs where a master of ceremonies introduces them. I would attend such a pageant for the purpose of an academic study of how different mental disorders result in different costumes and how the whole merry mess plays out when the costumes confront mental disorders that can’t handle them. If it seems illogical to suggest that an obsessive-compulsive boy who decides to be a vampire is attacked by a paranoid schizophrenic who has decided to be a werewolf, one must remember that Jamie is only kept at this hospital because she killed her mother, and regardless of whatever mental disorder hers might be, it is highly likely there are other patients – Billy included – who have equal, if not worse, disorders and have done equal bad acts to get them there. Jamie shouldn’t be special after all, and for all I know Billy might have killed, cooked, and eaten his mother before he was sent here, which might explain why he’s dressed like a pirate. Meanwhile the mysterious man in black boots is walking around, trying to find where the plot of Halloween 5 is going and if he’s still relevant to it. Mikey’s muscle car pulls up to Tina’s house and honks repeatedly. She comes outside with her mask on, then she walks to the front of the car and does a twirl with her cape and sings. Michael has a perfect chance to run her over but he doesn’t. Meanwhile, Billy and Jamie come up to the top of the stairs to show off their costumes. When Tina gets in the car, she is happy that Mikey is wearing the mask she gave him, which is a mask of an ugly man with a large nose and a block jaw: the sort of man Mikey would have eventually become had Michael not killed him and left a better looking corpse behind. While Tina is asking for a kiss, Jamie begins to have one of her episodes on the top of the stairs that will surely be an entertainment to the audience, who aren’t privy to the fact that her episodes are serious. She hyperventilates and backs into the rail at the top of the stairs, and the audience screams. A concerned Loomis comes down the aisle. Loomis is perhaps the most qualified person to deal with Jamie in that room, and he tortures her on a daily basis and almost shot her in Halloween 4. Jamie passes out and the scene cuts to Michael speeding away down the road. Inside the car Tina is having an emotional fit about previous relationship problems she had with Mikey. She tells Michael to stop at a gas station because she wants a pack of cigarettes and Michael speeds past the gas station. This is the third time, I think, that Michael has dressed up like a boyfriend to get close enough to kill the person they are dating. He bit off more than he can chew with Tina, and I think he is beginning to realize that. Michael shortly realizes that Tina might be easier to deal with if she has cigarettes than if she doesn’t, and so he slams on breaks and backs into the gas station with skills he learned in a mental institution and has maintained despite being burned alive, shot several hundred times, and surviving a year-long coma. There appear to be hookers at this gas station but that is hard to tell because it’s Halloween. Loomis approaches Jamie and starts asking about Tina. Loomis must assume Rachel is dead and frankly doesn’t care. Jamie struggles to say something, which Billy in turn struggles to say with his own speech impediment in a circuit of irritation that must be driving Loomis wild with atavistic wrath. The store where Tina is getting cigarettes has a painting of a big-breasted woman with cookies for breasts, which is delight to watch Jamie try to describe with her hands and then hear stuttering, smitten Billy interpret. Rachel makes circular motions with her hands, voicing “a big woman”, which Billy repeats at length and without understanding and that Loomis repeats after him with an equal lack of comprehension. Loomis asks Jamie if the big woman works at the store, and Jamie shakes her head violently for an emphatic “No!” in order to stop Loomis from thinking that Michael might be at a strip club, a brothel, or anywhere else where Tina might be remotely tolerable. She makes another motion with her hands and Billy says “Cookie woman.” Loomis eyes bulge and he repeats this to the adults around him as if they would have a better idea about this considering they know Billy better and one of them might be the cookie woman herself. One of the men looks puzzled, and then says something on his walkie-talkie when he realizes where Jamie is referring to – Bill’s gas station – which is a problem in and of itself. If the big-breasted cookie woman was not enough to distinguish Bill’s gas station from all other gas station’s that might sell the cookies the woman is peddling, the fact that it’s Bill’s, and on 5th and Main, are specific enough to indicate that this man knows the big-breasted cookie woman well enough to also know it’s Bill’s gas station and exactly where that is, even with Jamie’s troubled description and Billy’s incomprehensible interpretation of that. While Tina is getting her cigarettes, Michael takes off the ugly mask and put on his Captain Kirk mask. The painting with the big-breasted cookie-woman says “Giant Cookies … a real taste treat”, which is poor grammar even if the “cookies” are, in fact, a treat worthy of being associated with breasts as large as the human body can support. The police pull up at the gas station, saving Tina from getting back into the car with Michael, which I can forgive them for doing because someone will have to explain to Tina how they found her. Later Jamie is on a hospital bed and the man from the pageant puts the walkie-talkie up to her face so she can hear Tina complain about being taken into custody. Tina is every bit as annoying even when filtered through radio waves. It is a sad thing the police do not Mirandize Tina. They take her to the Children’s Hospital, where Loomis is delighted to see her because at least that might put a stop to Jamie’s episodes. Tina and Jamie hug on the stairs with soft piano music playing in the soundtrack. Now Jamie can speak again – I don’t care why – but Tina has a party to be at and thus has to leave, making Jamie and Billy’s attempt to save her life fruitless and the entire cookie-woman incident a waste of their time. Tina tries to explain love to Jamie by saying that Jamie will meet people that will make her feel “like, connected” (which is not only using “like” as a conjunction but also redundant, since a conjunction is a connection) and that makes her feel “like your heart is made of neon.” Tina makes Jamie cry when she leaves, and I have to wonder if Jamie knows that Mikey is dead and can’t bring herself to tell this to Tina – even if it means Tina might sleep with Michael. A pregnant Tina could result in another target for Michael to kill, but that would mean Tina would have to live for another nine months and that is unacceptable. Tina leaves after telling Jamie that she loves her, which makes Jamie cry even harder because she might realize, since her heart isn’t like neon at this particular moment, that she might not love Tina in return. She goes downstairs and is confronted by Loomis, who also doesn’t want her to leave but is spared the explanations. She calls Loomis “really creepy” for filling Jamie’s head “with all that boogeyman crap” although her head is filled with equally preposterous crap. Loomis wants Tina to stay at the hospital because he thinks Michael will murder her, and this plummets Tina to even greater depths of immaturity than she has so far proved capable of. She screams “I’m never sensible if I can help it” in her singsong voice, and I hope that quote finds its way to her goddamn tombstone. Loomis shouts at the police “For God’s sake stop her!”, but not even God’s sake is good enough to stop Tina from leaving anywhere if she is so inclined. He then demands that they follow her. Tina tells the two cops that they can give her a ride to the Tower Farm, thus sure to make Tina even more unpopular than her own demerits deserve when she arrives with cops in tow. Jamie watches the police drive off as Mikey’s car follows close behind. Why isn’t Michael trying to kill Jamie? He must think she’s at the Children’s Hospital, unless he believes that Tina, because of her behavior in the car and sudden arrest and removal, is a patient herself. Later Jamie’s nurse comes down the stairs and tells Loomis that Jamie is “nowhere in sight”. Loomis grabs a girl going up the stairs and rips her mask off like Nicolas Cage does in The Wicker Man. The Sheriff arrives and shouts at Loomis, who tells him that Jamie is gone and throws the mask down in anger. Jamie walks down the street and bumps in to Billy, who tells her that he knows where Tina is. Meanwhile Tina dances at the party at Tower Farm, already drawing attention from other guys there while Mikey rots somewhere only known to Michael. Sammie, dressed up as a devil, asks her where Mikey is, and then Tina says “Ask me if I care.”, which Sammie doesn’t ask because Sammie doesn’t care. The police sit in their car outside. They watch as Michael loudly pulls up wearing the Captain Kirk mask and obvious to anyone who cares that he was invited in bad taste. He looks at the party briefly and then drives away; the police debate on whether to follow him, then decide not to. As the police play cards inside their car, Sammie and Tina run outside screaming. Sammie slaps her hands on the hood of the cop car and someone dressed like Michael Myers almost stabs Tina with a plastic knife. The police have their guns drawn, but will not fire. The boy dressed up like Michael Myers is Sammie’s boyfriend, Spence, who takes off his mask quickly when he sees that the police have their guns drawn and do not find his prank that funny. Neither do I, but unlike the police, I have the power of rewinding his, Sammie, and Tina’s death scenes as often as I like until I am satisfied that they have suffered enough. Sammie finds a kitten and thinks this is even funnier than the prank they just pulled, running away with it laughing. Spence and Tina scream and run away after her. They go into a barn, which is hardly a tower, but then the Children’s Hospital was hardly a hospital either. It isn’t long before they find the cat that gave birth to the kittens, which they coo and awe over as if they were three not-so-wise men who followed the wrong star. Michael comes in the barn, and this time he won’t even have to dress up like Sammie’s boyfriend to kill her because Spence already dressed up for him. Tina chases after one of the kitten. Then Spence disappears and Sammie hops around the barn looking for him, followed by Michael. She tries to go over a rail, then Spence grabs her ankle and she falls into some hay on the ground. He pretends to stab her, then he kisses her and makes barking noises. I hope these two settle down and have sex because they might at least take that seriously and give me a moment of relief. They lie down on the hay, and even their foreplay is annoying. They begin to have sex, then Sammie reminds Spence to put on a condom, which he does, and that is the only thing worthy of applause in this entire movie. Michael grabs a pitchfork nearby, and then the movie cuts to Sammie moaning. Michael sneaks up behind them and impales Spence with the pitchfork, each one of the five prongs going all the way through him and not Sammie, so Spence maybe dies while still on top and inside Sammie. It also appears that Spence had an orgasm right before Michael impaled him, which means Michael waited until that moment to stab him because he knew Sammie would be disappointed. If it seems that I’ve noticed more details than I usually do it is because I watched this death several times. Sammie screams while Spence remains in the thrusting position he was in when Michael impaled him, blood coming out of his mouth instead of whatever normally followed. She backs away screaming as Michael finds a scythe; then she pulls the pitchfork out of Spence – who still has the condom on – and comes at Michael with it, only to be pushed aside and sliced with the scythe. At least she is already dressed like a devil so she doesn’t have to change on her way to hell. The party lets out. All of the kids run outside and get into their cars. Tina goes back into the barn to look for Sammie and Spence. She says that because she isn’t hearing any noise, Sammie and Spence aren’t doing it “right”, which suggests awful things about what she and Mikey thought about sex. She finds a kitten with blood on it, sees the scythe, and then Spence and Sammie’s bodies tumble down the haystack and roll over her. I wonder if Tina still thinks that they weren’t doing it right. She runs to the cop car, where both of the cops inside are dead. This makes Tina moan with a horror-stricken face that is the closest I ever want to see her come to an orgasm. She sees Mikey’s muscle car, and although she appears soothed for a minute, Jamie and Billy run onto the scene. Michael chases after Tina, with Jamie screaming at him and asking him what he wants. He wants the same thing I do, Jamie: silence. Michael stops the car, then Jamie and Billy taunt him to chase them, and when he does, Jamie runs off to the side and leaves Billy to continue the bluff on his own. Michael almost runs over Billy, then chases Jamie when Billy rolls away from the car. Jamie runs into what appears to be a Christmas-tree farm. Michael plows down Christmas trees behind her and thus ruins another holiday for a handful of people. He chases her until he runs into a tree and causes the car to explode. He should be up and running after her again soon. The crash must have thrown Michael’s head into the steering wheel, because the horn honks endlessly even after the flames from the explosion disappear. Sure enough, Michael pops out of the car, unphased by the explosion. He comes after Jamie and is about to stab her, but then Tina gets in the way and he stabs her right below the shoulder instead. Michael lays her down to think about her wasted life as she bleeds out on the grass. Jamie and Billy slowly walk away from Michael, then are spooked by Loomis when he comes around from behind a tree. Apparently everybody, including Loomis – who spends most of his time at mental hospitals – knows where the Tower Farm is. Loomis has also brought a large entourage of police with him. The Sheriff takes Jamie to an ambulance, and in case you needed clarity on the matter, they roll out Tina’s dead body on a stretcher. Loomis walks toward Jamie as they cart Tina away, and although it might be a trick of the lighting or just a consequence of the facial prosthetics Donald Pleasance is wearing, it appears that Loomis is happy with Tina’s death because there is a smirk on one side of his face he doesn’t seem ashamed to hide. She said some nasty things to him when he tried to save her life, so it would only be fair that Loomis should indulge in some I-told-you-so joy. He asks Jamie if she is ready to help him kill Michael, and although the Sheriff does not like this idea, and neither do I – Tina is dead: the movie can end now – she wants to know she can do. After the ambulance and the police drive away – they still have more bodies to find (or not: they can rot in the barn just as well) – Loomis tells Michael that his hate will not go away no matter how many people he kills, which must be a great rage indeed if killing Sammie, Spence, and Tina didn’t squelch it. He tells Michael that he has to go home if he wants to get rid of his rage. The Sheriff, a few deputies, and a SWAT team congregate at the Myer’s house: this is more police officers and outsourced specialists than I have seen in Haddonfield. Then Jamie has an episode that disperses the Sheriff and the SWAT team away from the Myer’s house like a heinous fart that grows in strength as it spreads in distance. The episode was about Billy; there is a fire at the Children’s Hospital that has no doubt disrupted whatever stage the Goblin Pageant was at and will force it to be called something else next year. Loomis says that Michael will come now that the police are gone. One of the remaining officers, Deputy Charlie, is about to take Jamie back to the station, but Loomis locks them inside Judith’s bedroom and Charlie has a problem with that. There are apparently sneaky developments in Loomis’s plan that he did not tell anyone else about. For all I know, Loomis probably set the fire at the Children’s Hospital himself. Then a cop car rams into another cop car on the street outside. Michael is driving the cop car that rammed it, but I have a better idea. Suppose Officer Ramsey, who you remember ran over a Michael lookalike in Halloween II, had heard that Michael was on the loose again and decided to “run that bastard down for good this time”. Considering how many people have been killed for looking like Michael, it would only be fair to end it with the man who started it all. So Ramsey followed Michael all the way to the Tower Barn, where he had to watch Michael kill a Michael lookalike. Ramsey then had to watch Michael try to run over Jamie, Billy, and Tina, failing miserably where Ramsey himself all too unfortunately succeeded. Then he found the two dead cops Michael killed and assumed he stole their car, which would give Ramsey the resolve to run down any cop car he saw. Michael kills the cop sitting in the car as Charlie, Loomis, and Jamie hear Charlie scream on the other end of the walkie-talkie he was communicating to them with as he was rammed. Then Michael come inside the house, where Loomis tries to calm him down, which briefly works until Loomis tries to take his knife away and Michael slashes him across the chest and throws him through a window. Loomis might as well have given him a pacifier. Charlie breaks a window upstairs and lets down a rope-ladder, then shoots at Michael as he busts through the door. Michael beats on Charlie before hanging him with the rope-ladder out the window to slowly suffocate. I wonder if Charlie chose to give auto-erotic asphyxiation a try in his last moments; he has nothing better to do, and never really did. Jamie climbs in the laundry shoot and hides. Then Michael comes inside and opens the door she was clinging onto, which sends her down to the bottom just like the rat that slid down to the bottom of that shoot so many days ago, and then died and stank there for many more to come. Michael goes to the basement and starts to stab the shaft while Jamie attempts to crawl back up it. Unfortunately, he keeps stabbing the same place repeatedly, which is a lesson he should have learned from Halloween II when he stabbed a pillow repeatedly as if John Doe put a gun to his head and told him to fuck it to death. Jaime climbs up the shoot and then goes upstairs. She goes up into the attic, where there’s a wicker coffin I suppose is the one Michael got out of the grave he dug up, although I haven’t the slightest idea why someone demanded a custom-made wicker coffin for a ten-year-old girl. Jamie also finds the dead bodies of her dog, Mikey, and then Rachel. I hope the Sheriff and Charlie didn’t search the attic and find all these bodies. They could have at least put Rachel’s body in the wicker coffin in case Jamie went up there. At least I know for certain that Rachel is dead. Michael comes in the attic, so she gets in the wicker coffin just as Michael intended her to. It doesn’t get any easier than stabbing someone in a coffin you went to great lengths to get and even greater lengths to chase them into. She says “Uncle” when Michael raises his arm to stab her, then he decides not to stab her and takes off his mask when Jamie asks to see him. And then he cries. Jamie, in a moment that is so cheesy it will make you constipated with rage, attempts to wipe away the tear. Michael backs away in embarrassment and puts his mask back on. The coffin falls with Jamie in it, and after Michael stabs it a few times he throws it aside. Jamie runs downstairs, where Loomis grabs her and taunts Michael with a game of “catch the little girl”, which, I assume, is the code-name for this mission he pitched to the Sheriff and the SWAT team. After he traps Michael in a net he drops from the ceiling, Loomis shoots Michael with several tranquilizer darts that only seem to enrage him further until Loomis grabs a plank of wood from one of the decrepit windows and beats him with it until he eventually passes out. After untold gunshot wounds, an explosion, a severe burning, two comas, many tranquilizers and a fish net, Michael is stopped with a two-by-four and an old man he has stabbed twice and thrown through at least two windows. Loomis falls on top of Michael and passes out just as the police arrive. Michael is locked away. The Sheriff says that the national guard will come and take him to a maximum-security prison. The man in black cowboy boots arrives and walks up to the police station. Jamie is led away to a cop car, and then there is an explosion inside the police headquarters, followed by gunshots. Whoever the man in black cowboy boots is, he has a machine gun and has come to break Michael out of jail in a second attempt for the Halloween series to rip off The Terminator. Jamie goes back inside the jail, where she finds the hallways strewn with dead cops. The bars to the cell Michael was in, as well as another cell that he wasn’t, are blown out and on fire, which makes Jamie cry. She shouts “No!” and the movie finally, blessedly, ends. |