Carrie
Before Carrie was born, perhaps, as they often do, God and Satan got into one of those prolonged and unsolvable arguments that result in bets with us mere mortals as the chips. Satan, being the cynical jade he is, would hold that humans cannot respect power and should therefore never have any. God, forever optimistic despite centuries of cruelty and barbarism on our part, would insist otherwise, and make the following bet:
“Ok Satan, let’s put your money where your mouth is. I’m going to create a comely, meek and weak girl, whom nobody likes but loves to pick on. Then I’m going to give her a neurotic and sadistically tortuous mother. Then I’ll arrange for her to go to prom with the handsomest boy in school, and dump pig’s blood on her. And then we’ll see what she does with her telekinetic powers.”
Carrie, it turns out, ain’t no Job.
Carrie is a Cinderella story that gets hijacked by Stephen King in the third act, so instead of Cinderella marrying the Prince and living happily ever after, a Stepsister murders him, then Cinderella murder the Stepsisters, their boyfriends, their boyfriends friends, their friends boyfriends… and anyone else she happens to come across before winding her magical Death March home, then crucifying The Evil Stepmother.
I doubt the Stepsisters would have fucked with Carrie had they known she could cause meteors to fall from the Heavens with a passing thought, but Momma knew all along, and still fucked with her, thus illustrating how insane Momma really is. Momma got Religion after she got Carrie, got so much Religion in fact she was booted out of an already batshit crazy religious cult for keeping it a bit “too real”. Hell, not even Westborro Baptist couldn't handle Momma’s antics, because, say what you will, at least the Westborro crazies only protest funerals, instead of indirectly creating them.
Momma has all the parenting skills of Mrs. Bates, Mrs. Gein and Mrs. Voorhees combined.
Momma, unfortunately, ain’t Carrie’s only problem. A group of bullies, supposedly the popular girls although there’s a fat one with glasses that could only be popular in Heathers after all the truly popular girls offed themselves, like to pick on Carrie by throwing unused Tampons at her when she has her first period. That’s smart. Instigate PTSD level resentment in a Godlike telekinetic you've bullied for years when she’s on the rag.
Of course, none of them knew that at the time, but it wouldn’t take much hanging out with Carrie to realize life has a habit of getting dangerous when she’s all riled up. Never mind the meteor shower she creates as a toddler, imagine the multitude of other outbursts her powers must have occasioned over the years. This must be the most oblivious and naive town ever to not figure out that when Carrie’s around and Carrie’s in a mood, inanimate objects sometimes animate themselves and telling Carrie to “plug it up” might result in becoming an inanimate object oneself.
One bully, a girl called Sue Snell, has enough of a conscience to feel bad and force her Oily Man Hunk boyfriend Tommy to take Carrie to the prom. Sue doesn’t realize Carrie is an Excitable Girl and this might not be the nest idea under the sun, but I’m not sure Sue is such a good person after all. Sue has to force Tommy to do it, and both of them know Carrie already has a crush on him, so let’s take a look at this “date”, shall we?
Carrie, who has never so much as gotten a “Hey Baby” look from a boy in her life, is suddenly going on a date with one of the hottest and most popular boys in school. And not just any date, prom at that, and not just any prom, a prom where Hargensen- the chief and most unscrupulous of Carrie’s bullies- has been banned and might have reason to ambush. Aside from that, let’s say everything goes picture perfect. Carrie and Tommy hit it off, Carrie falls in love with Tommy, Tommy plays along, and then never takes her out again or so much as calls because he’s dating a much hotter girl without a crazy Momma.
Either Sue is rock stupid or far more Evil than Hargensen could ever dream of being.
“Ok Satan, let’s put your money where your mouth is. I’m going to create a comely, meek and weak girl, whom nobody likes but loves to pick on. Then I’m going to give her a neurotic and sadistically tortuous mother. Then I’ll arrange for her to go to prom with the handsomest boy in school, and dump pig’s blood on her. And then we’ll see what she does with her telekinetic powers.”
Carrie, it turns out, ain’t no Job.
Carrie is a Cinderella story that gets hijacked by Stephen King in the third act, so instead of Cinderella marrying the Prince and living happily ever after, a Stepsister murders him, then Cinderella murder the Stepsisters, their boyfriends, their boyfriends friends, their friends boyfriends… and anyone else she happens to come across before winding her magical Death March home, then crucifying The Evil Stepmother.
I doubt the Stepsisters would have fucked with Carrie had they known she could cause meteors to fall from the Heavens with a passing thought, but Momma knew all along, and still fucked with her, thus illustrating how insane Momma really is. Momma got Religion after she got Carrie, got so much Religion in fact she was booted out of an already batshit crazy religious cult for keeping it a bit “too real”. Hell, not even Westborro Baptist couldn't handle Momma’s antics, because, say what you will, at least the Westborro crazies only protest funerals, instead of indirectly creating them.
Momma has all the parenting skills of Mrs. Bates, Mrs. Gein and Mrs. Voorhees combined.
Momma, unfortunately, ain’t Carrie’s only problem. A group of bullies, supposedly the popular girls although there’s a fat one with glasses that could only be popular in Heathers after all the truly popular girls offed themselves, like to pick on Carrie by throwing unused Tampons at her when she has her first period. That’s smart. Instigate PTSD level resentment in a Godlike telekinetic you've bullied for years when she’s on the rag.
Of course, none of them knew that at the time, but it wouldn’t take much hanging out with Carrie to realize life has a habit of getting dangerous when she’s all riled up. Never mind the meteor shower she creates as a toddler, imagine the multitude of other outbursts her powers must have occasioned over the years. This must be the most oblivious and naive town ever to not figure out that when Carrie’s around and Carrie’s in a mood, inanimate objects sometimes animate themselves and telling Carrie to “plug it up” might result in becoming an inanimate object oneself.
One bully, a girl called Sue Snell, has enough of a conscience to feel bad and force her Oily Man Hunk boyfriend Tommy to take Carrie to the prom. Sue doesn’t realize Carrie is an Excitable Girl and this might not be the nest idea under the sun, but I’m not sure Sue is such a good person after all. Sue has to force Tommy to do it, and both of them know Carrie already has a crush on him, so let’s take a look at this “date”, shall we?
Carrie, who has never so much as gotten a “Hey Baby” look from a boy in her life, is suddenly going on a date with one of the hottest and most popular boys in school. And not just any date, prom at that, and not just any prom, a prom where Hargensen- the chief and most unscrupulous of Carrie’s bullies- has been banned and might have reason to ambush. Aside from that, let’s say everything goes picture perfect. Carrie and Tommy hit it off, Carrie falls in love with Tommy, Tommy plays along, and then never takes her out again or so much as calls because he’s dating a much hotter girl without a crazy Momma.
Either Sue is rock stupid or far more Evil than Hargensen could ever dream of being.
In fact, the entire state of Maine might owe it’s existence to Hargensen’s revenge prank. The fallout from the Carrie/Tommy/Sue Bermuda Love Triangle would have caused enough explosive rage in Carrie to have wiped Maine, if not the entire Eastern Seaboard, completely off the map. Hargensen sticks with the blood theme for her Master Prank, enlisting the help of none other than John Travolta- or maybe Nicolas Cage in disguise- to help her pull it off. Travolta goes off and gets so much pig’s blood he must have found that damned anthropomorphic Gieco pig and made it squeal all the way to the Hell where it belongs. Both Travolta and Hargensen will later die a fiery death when they try to run Carrie down. Travolta’s character will later reappear as another Greaser Bully in Christine, and again die a fiery death only this time he gets run down.
While the massacre is unfolding- too little too late, Sue- Momma sits at home waiting for her dire prediction- “They’re all gonna laugh at you”- to come true. I wonder if she also predicted the mass slaughter that laughter would cause, and that Number One on Carrie’s Can’t Take It Anymore Shit List would be none other than herself, the one person who sent Carrie to a public school composed solely of psychopaths, instead of getting her home schooled by just one. I think Momma had a little to much bullying from the town herself, enough to hatch an Evil Scheme such as:
“Hmm, I’ll keep my daughter’s superpowers all to myself for now, biding my time with physical and psychological torment until those bullies cross the line. And then we’ll just see how crazy Prayin’ Carrie can get.”
Momma is deluded enough to try to stab Carrie in the back, fresh from hosing down all her classmates, electrocuting them and then burning down the gym for good measure. Momma might have thought Carrie’s powers were tapped out after that, but no, she still has enough to pin Momma to the wall with kitchenware and thdoes not go beyond the ironyen implode the house underground.
The only survivor is Sue, who I’m sure will live out a happy life without brutal nightmares of Carrie reaching out from beyond the grave when she visits it with Crocodile Tears and a bouquet of Guilt and Denial.
All things considered, Carrie was full of enough generalized resentment and hairline psychotic triggers to have snapped eventually, so maybe it’s best she lost it in a rural Maine town than a number of other locations. She could have gone to college, her powers maturing to God-knows-what extent, then got a little impatient in a grocery line one day and have a flashback of her old Punishment Closet days and gone All Out Ape Shit all over America.
While the massacre is unfolding- too little too late, Sue- Momma sits at home waiting for her dire prediction- “They’re all gonna laugh at you”- to come true. I wonder if she also predicted the mass slaughter that laughter would cause, and that Number One on Carrie’s Can’t Take It Anymore Shit List would be none other than herself, the one person who sent Carrie to a public school composed solely of psychopaths, instead of getting her home schooled by just one. I think Momma had a little to much bullying from the town herself, enough to hatch an Evil Scheme such as:
“Hmm, I’ll keep my daughter’s superpowers all to myself for now, biding my time with physical and psychological torment until those bullies cross the line. And then we’ll just see how crazy Prayin’ Carrie can get.”
Momma is deluded enough to try to stab Carrie in the back, fresh from hosing down all her classmates, electrocuting them and then burning down the gym for good measure. Momma might have thought Carrie’s powers were tapped out after that, but no, she still has enough to pin Momma to the wall with kitchenware and thdoes not go beyond the ironyen implode the house underground.
The only survivor is Sue, who I’m sure will live out a happy life without brutal nightmares of Carrie reaching out from beyond the grave when she visits it with Crocodile Tears and a bouquet of Guilt and Denial.
All things considered, Carrie was full of enough generalized resentment and hairline psychotic triggers to have snapped eventually, so maybe it’s best she lost it in a rural Maine town than a number of other locations. She could have gone to college, her powers maturing to God-knows-what extent, then got a little impatient in a grocery line one day and have a flashback of her old Punishment Closet days and gone All Out Ape Shit all over America.
The total destruction Carrie causes a small new England town proves Carrie isn’t your typical telekinetic prone to hissy fits. Given a handful of bullies and a psychotic mother, and Carrie kills everyone, unlike the telekinetic girl in Friday the 13th Part VII who only kills Jason and has a hard enough time with that. If Carrie got booted off to the Nutter Camp in Part V, the maniac pretending to be Jason would find a disappointing camp of already dead bodies, particularly the charred body of the fat kid who annoyed Carrie one time too many, his blackened hands still clutching his candy bar.
Carrie belongs with the Tetsuos and the Andrew Detmers, pathetic kids given ultimate powers in a world that never showed them enough compassion for any use of those powers beyond destroying that world. Carrie is the most tragic of these because she eventually forgives her mother, the cause of the worst of her suffering, but the irony of Carrie is that what little of the world she leaves behind hasn't learned anything, or possibly can.
As you know, “Carrie White Burns in Hell”.
Carrie belongs with the Tetsuos and the Andrew Detmers, pathetic kids given ultimate powers in a world that never showed them enough compassion for any use of those powers beyond destroying that world. Carrie is the most tragic of these because she eventually forgives her mother, the cause of the worst of her suffering, but the irony of Carrie is that what little of the world she leaves behind hasn't learned anything, or possibly can.
As you know, “Carrie White Burns in Hell”.