American Psycho 2
American Psycho is a movie if ever there was one that need not a sequel to diminish its glory. Yet there is one; and it sucks. It sucks so bad I refuse to even call it American Psycho 2. This thing is the reverse of everything that made American Psycho great. God is good, however, in that the attempt was made only once, instead of many times, as we’ve seen with other franchises so loved by Satan that they just won’t die.
The movie stars Mila Kunis, but don’t let that excite you – she doesn’t die. During a prologue, her babysitter is killed by Patrick Bateman; the movie doesn’t show his face. It instead pulls the same trick Shazam used when they wanted to show Superman but wanted also to avoid showing Henry Cavil, with CGI lip or complete with mustache, by just cropping his face out of every frame. Kunis – I don’t care what her character’s name is – kills Bateman and then decides, on a sudden, that she wants to be a criminal profiler.
Whoopee.
She goes to the best criminal profiling school “in the world”, which just so happens to be taught by William Shatner. Cameron Mitchell, Reb Brown, -- for God’s damned sake – Bruce Campbell, all would make more convincing criminal profilers than William Shatner. The class begins with serial killer “nicknames”, which is an odd word to use because it suggests a degree of familiarity with the killer the police and press never have when coining a “nickname”; if they knew, for instance, Buffalo Bill well enough to know he was making a woman-suit they could have caught him right off; instead all they know is that he likes size fourteens and thus call him Buffalo Bill because he’s a chubby chaser.
Kunis’s motivation for studying under Shatner is to become his teaching assistant; all his teaching assistants go to Quantico; everyone wants to go to Quantico; everyone in this movie wants Shatner as he’s never been wanted before.
There wouldn’t be a plot without Kunis having rivals. One is a guy I’ll call Low GPA, which is his only attribute. Another rival has a High GPA she relies on more than making Shatner’s Slutbucket List. The last rival is Just Some Dude.
She applies for the assistant position but is turned down by a crabby administrator because Kunis is a freshman and the position is for seniors only. That Kunis didn’t know this beforehand, indeed – that she didn’t anticipate that she would have graduate to go to Quantico anyway – does not promise well for her career as a serial killer.
Kunis puts on a hoodie and stalks the administrator back to her house, where she puts a cat named Ricky Martin in the microwave. She then beats the administrator to death with a trophy. Well. That solved her problem. I wonder what she’ll do, however, when she needs to kill the actual crabby bitch who is her real obstacle: Mila Kunis.
Later, Low GPA shows up at Kunis’s dorm room wearing the same hoodie Kunis was wearing when she killed the administrator. I suppose all you need to frame someone is to wear the same generic hoodie they do and make sure there’s no witnesses except a cat named Ricky Martin. Low GPA had his hacker cousin change his grades to better his chances with Shatner; the way this movie is using this teacher-assistant position as a plot device you would think Quantico is a school of one and William Shatner is the only way in. Kunis agrees to go on the date; she intends to murder him no doubt. It would seem using her best quality – her attractiveness – to seduce Shatner would be far easier and cleaner than killing everyone in her way. Everyone in a criminal profiling school to boot. Of course, Kunis herself is a world-class actress of great talent and demand, who brings such class and pedigree to this movie it would be crass to soil it by relying only on her attractiveness.
Wouldn’t it.
She kills him by strangling him with a condom that is “ribbed for her pleasure”. Do condoms even have the tensile strength to strangle someone with? I think there are fewer dead people because of a condom's textile strength than there are actual people from its lack of it.
Later in the movie, she goes to dance where High GPA is; she tells Kunis a story about Shatner’s staff-development meetings, from which I learn that he doesn’t have a small penis. Kunis hangs High GPA and now has Just Some Dude to worry about. He was at the ball too but seemed to be working out some Priceline negotiations with Shatner that having nothing to do with American Psycho 2 but everything to do with cheap hotels.
There is, however, despite everything bad about this movie a priceless scene that’s introduced with Shatner saying, “Let’s talk about Ted Bundy, shall we?” that must be seen to be believed.
Kunis kills Just Some Dude. Oh wells.
Later, Shatner goes the dorm room to check on High GPA with a key he'll have to explain later when he finds her hung, dead, and full of Shat. He decides to go on a sabbatical with some Valium and cancels the teaching-assistant position, which means all the murders worked against Kunis.
Kunis confronts Shatner with her most deadly weapon: last-minute-exposition-because-we-had-to-rewrite-the-script-after-we-accidentally-killed-everyone backstory. It turns out one of Shatner’s lovers – Clara – was independently hunting Bateman down and was also Kunis’s babysitter. She read Shatner’s file on Bateman and was going to cheat on Shatner with him, because if you’re going to cheat on William Motherfucking Shatner is might as well be a serial killer obsessed with consumer culture and consuming cheap hookers. The plot holes in this new development are too many for a mere mortal to unravel.
Why did Shatner have a file on Bateman, instead of an already apprehended Bateman? What was the last Eureka moment Shatner was waiting for to catch a serial killer who has never once returned an escort girl from Zeus The Pimp’s Emporium Whorium in mint condition? Why doesn't Shatner consider Kunis as a suspect? Has he ever read "The Revenge of the Babysat"? And Quantico takes referrals from this man?
Kunis blows Shatner a slow-motion kiss and a dummy dressed in the clothes Shatner left at the set tumbles down a window. She closes the window he fell out of; there's no point in covering up the murder; everyone knows as fact William Shatner doesn't drunkenly fall out of windows unless foul play is involved.
The movie goes on, showing that Kunis is really an impostor, having killed the girl she’s pretending to be and thus having fooled as well as killed the best profiler “in the world”. It must be a dangerous universe, that of American Psycho 2, when the worst serial killer can remain uncaught for years and murder the best profiler, and then murder him only because he wouldn’t let her be his damned teaching assistant, right under his nose. Who also had a teaching-assistant lover who found Bateman on a spur but was dumb enough to get killed by him, who in turn was dumb enough to get killed by a twelve-year old Mila Kunis.
There’s a superfluous car chase that ends in an explosion, and then the movie fully derails because it knows that if Kunis ain’t got naked yet she aint gonna and no longer has an audience.
Yet, at the very end, it’s revealed that Kunis got into Quantico after all. How? She had an assumed identity the whole fucking time, so even if her efforts to get into Quantico were successful, they were successful for someone else. The movie also tries to make her out to be a master serial killer, which I find so insulting I will never watch this movie again. It tries to make you feel like it’s a smart movie by forcing you to figure out conclusions from premises that aren't there. Mila was a sloppy killer, didn't cover her tracks, and had no motives for killing anyone that didn’t involve going to Quantico, all of which murders worked against rather than for her, and she was still able to get in, somehow, in another movie that American Psycho 2 is now pretending to be.
The movie can be summed up thus: Mila kills a handful of people to get into Quantico, blows up the bodies, then resurrects herself at Quantico both as a teacher and a master serial killer her psychiatrist wrote a fucking book about. And you're supposed to figure out how this is clever; how she became a master killer after she died in an inept car wreck she got into by fleeing from the local cops. Mila gets into Quantico; she's a killer, yet so incompetent she’s the subject of a book; yet, she’s uncaught and in the employ of QUANTICO -- free as piss in the wind.
American Psycho is a movie if ever there was one that need not a sequel to diminish its glory. Yet there is one; and it sucks. It sucks so bad I refuse to even call it American Psycho 2. This thing is the reverse of everything that made American Psycho great. God is good, however, in that the attempt was made only once, instead of many times, as we’ve seen with other franchises so loved by Satan that they just won’t die.
The movie stars Mila Kunis, but don’t let that excite you – she doesn’t die. During a prologue, her babysitter is killed by Patrick Bateman; the movie doesn’t show his face. It instead pulls the same trick Shazam used when they wanted to show Superman but wanted also to avoid showing Henry Cavil, with CGI lip or complete with mustache, by just cropping his face out of every frame. Kunis – I don’t care what her character’s name is – kills Bateman and then decides, on a sudden, that she wants to be a criminal profiler.
Whoopee.
She goes to the best criminal profiling school “in the world”, which just so happens to be taught by William Shatner. Cameron Mitchell, Reb Brown, -- for God’s damned sake – Bruce Campbell, all would make more convincing criminal profilers than William Shatner. The class begins with serial killer “nicknames”, which is an odd word to use because it suggests a degree of familiarity with the killer the police and press never have when coining a “nickname”; if they knew, for instance, Buffalo Bill well enough to know he was making a woman-suit they could have caught him right off; instead all they know is that he likes size fourteens and thus call him Buffalo Bill because he’s a chubby chaser.
Kunis’s motivation for studying under Shatner is to become his teaching assistant; all his teaching assistants go to Quantico; everyone wants to go to Quantico; everyone in this movie wants Shatner as he’s never been wanted before.
There wouldn’t be a plot without Kunis having rivals. One is a guy I’ll call Low GPA, which is his only attribute. Another rival has a High GPA she relies on more than making Shatner’s Slutbucket List. The last rival is Just Some Dude.
She applies for the assistant position but is turned down by a crabby administrator because Kunis is a freshman and the position is for seniors only. That Kunis didn’t know this beforehand, indeed – that she didn’t anticipate that she would have graduate to go to Quantico anyway – does not promise well for her career as a serial killer.
Kunis puts on a hoodie and stalks the administrator back to her house, where she puts a cat named Ricky Martin in the microwave. She then beats the administrator to death with a trophy. Well. That solved her problem. I wonder what she’ll do, however, when she needs to kill the actual crabby bitch who is her real obstacle: Mila Kunis.
Later, Low GPA shows up at Kunis’s dorm room wearing the same hoodie Kunis was wearing when she killed the administrator. I suppose all you need to frame someone is to wear the same generic hoodie they do and make sure there’s no witnesses except a cat named Ricky Martin. Low GPA had his hacker cousin change his grades to better his chances with Shatner; the way this movie is using this teacher-assistant position as a plot device you would think Quantico is a school of one and William Shatner is the only way in. Kunis agrees to go on the date; she intends to murder him no doubt. It would seem using her best quality – her attractiveness – to seduce Shatner would be far easier and cleaner than killing everyone in her way. Everyone in a criminal profiling school to boot. Of course, Kunis herself is a world-class actress of great talent and demand, who brings such class and pedigree to this movie it would be crass to soil it by relying only on her attractiveness.
Wouldn’t it.
She kills him by strangling him with a condom that is “ribbed for her pleasure”. Do condoms even have the tensile strength to strangle someone with? I think there are fewer dead people because of a condom's textile strength than there are actual people from its lack of it.
Later in the movie, she goes to dance where High GPA is; she tells Kunis a story about Shatner’s staff-development meetings, from which I learn that he doesn’t have a small penis. Kunis hangs High GPA and now has Just Some Dude to worry about. He was at the ball too but seemed to be working out some Priceline negotiations with Shatner that having nothing to do with American Psycho 2 but everything to do with cheap hotels.
There is, however, despite everything bad about this movie a priceless scene that’s introduced with Shatner saying, “Let’s talk about Ted Bundy, shall we?” that must be seen to be believed.
Kunis kills Just Some Dude. Oh wells.
Later, Shatner goes the dorm room to check on High GPA with a key he'll have to explain later when he finds her hung, dead, and full of Shat. He decides to go on a sabbatical with some Valium and cancels the teaching-assistant position, which means all the murders worked against Kunis.
Kunis confronts Shatner with her most deadly weapon: last-minute-exposition-because-we-had-to-rewrite-the-script-after-we-accidentally-killed-everyone backstory. It turns out one of Shatner’s lovers – Clara – was independently hunting Bateman down and was also Kunis’s babysitter. She read Shatner’s file on Bateman and was going to cheat on Shatner with him, because if you’re going to cheat on William Motherfucking Shatner is might as well be a serial killer obsessed with consumer culture and consuming cheap hookers. The plot holes in this new development are too many for a mere mortal to unravel.
Why did Shatner have a file on Bateman, instead of an already apprehended Bateman? What was the last Eureka moment Shatner was waiting for to catch a serial killer who has never once returned an escort girl from Zeus The Pimp’s Emporium Whorium in mint condition? Why doesn't Shatner consider Kunis as a suspect? Has he ever read "The Revenge of the Babysat"? And Quantico takes referrals from this man?
Kunis blows Shatner a slow-motion kiss and a dummy dressed in the clothes Shatner left at the set tumbles down a window. She closes the window he fell out of; there's no point in covering up the murder; everyone knows as fact William Shatner doesn't drunkenly fall out of windows unless foul play is involved.
The movie goes on, showing that Kunis is really an impostor, having killed the girl she’s pretending to be and thus having fooled as well as killed the best profiler “in the world”. It must be a dangerous universe, that of American Psycho 2, when the worst serial killer can remain uncaught for years and murder the best profiler, and then murder him only because he wouldn’t let her be his damned teaching assistant, right under his nose. Who also had a teaching-assistant lover who found Bateman on a spur but was dumb enough to get killed by him, who in turn was dumb enough to get killed by a twelve-year old Mila Kunis.
There’s a superfluous car chase that ends in an explosion, and then the movie fully derails because it knows that if Kunis ain’t got naked yet she aint gonna and no longer has an audience.
Yet, at the very end, it’s revealed that Kunis got into Quantico after all. How? She had an assumed identity the whole fucking time, so even if her efforts to get into Quantico were successful, they were successful for someone else. The movie also tries to make her out to be a master serial killer, which I find so insulting I will never watch this movie again. It tries to make you feel like it’s a smart movie by forcing you to figure out conclusions from premises that aren't there. Mila was a sloppy killer, didn't cover her tracks, and had no motives for killing anyone that didn’t involve going to Quantico, all of which murders worked against rather than for her, and she was still able to get in, somehow, in another movie that American Psycho 2 is now pretending to be.
The movie can be summed up thus: Mila kills a handful of people to get into Quantico, blows up the bodies, then resurrects herself at Quantico both as a teacher and a master serial killer her psychiatrist wrote a fucking book about. And you're supposed to figure out how this is clever; how she became a master killer after she died in an inept car wreck she got into by fleeing from the local cops. Mila gets into Quantico; she's a killer, yet so incompetent she’s the subject of a book; yet, she’s uncaught and in the employ of QUANTICO -- free as piss in the wind.